In the Vicinity

ITV: Dramatization-- May Not Have Happened Edition

2011-06-03T09:01:00.036-04:00

Folks! FOLKS!

FOOOOOOLKS! Seriously Folks, it's a special day in Cityball-Land. There's some goings-ons a-goings on. So here we are, writing about such things.
Today, June 3 in the year of our lord (whoever/whatever that might be for each of us, that's a personal choice, the kind someone needs to make with their televisions at a very early age, and I'm not here to preach, but rather to celebrate -- though I will just say this, if you're not in some sort of church that holds the ideology that Mark-Paul Gosselaar is a prophet, then frankly you're going to hell, I mean the man has a silent A in his last name. Come on) Two-thousand and Eleven, we are officially celebrating the official launch of DcCityball's Official NEW-Look Website (officially speaking) DcCityball.com.

The launch of this website, in all its shiny-new and sleek glory (designed of course by the one and only Alison Strub, of $10,000 Pyramid fame) feels like a perfect commemorative day, a day to reminisce, not to be confused with a commemorative plate day, which is only when good company comes over for dinner, about the history of DcCityball. It's important, I think, to ask (and quite frequently, at least several times a week), "Where did we come from?" Well of course, none of us would be here without David Sack, our fearless leader/commissioner.
Had the idea for Cityball not sprung from his mind-loins over two decades ago, what the hell would we be doing on Sundays? Drugs? Prostitution? Hobbies? Family time? We can only speculate.

AND YEEETTTT.......If not for one fateful event on one even more fateful day in 1985, things could have turned out very, very differently.

Now folks, this story has never been told. So promise not to tell anybody. K? K.

...........................................

Setting: Exterior, Shopping Mall Parking Lot, Twin Pines California, October 26, 1985 (yes I had just turned 1, but I was a mature 1, Dave was, I don't know, 28?), 5:00am PST, etc.

Dave: I called you here, Brian to witness history.

Brian: What are you talkin' about, Doc? (my voice would also crack at inappropriate inflections, because I was 1 year old, remember and I called him Doc, because I couldn't pronounce my V's very well, I was one.)

Dave: I need to tell you a story about what happened to me this morning.
.................................................
Setting: Interior, Dave's House, I don't know, Massachusetts probably, October 26, 1985, 3:00 am EST.

Dave: So I was hanging something over my toilet when I slipped and hit my head on the toilet seat. I don't really remember what I was trying to hang, or why I would hang anything over the toilet, because of the concussion I got from banging my head into a toilet. But anyway, when I came to, I saw it -- The Chuck's Capacitor.

Me: The Chuck's Capacitor? Whats a capacitor? (I'm a one-year old.) Who is Chuck?
(actual Chuck may be larger)

Dave: I'm getting to that. For a one year old, you sure are impatient. Anyway, so I had a vision. There was a guy named Chuck, in these big futuristic (maybe 2010 or so-ish) sunglasses and he was drinking out of a red plastic cup, listening to music coming out of a white space-pod, and waving at tour buses. We have tour buses in 1985, right? Right. Anyway, as soon as I snapped out of my trance I drew this: The Chuck's Capacitor

Me: Wow, you have terrible handwriting. And I should know. I'm one...so what does this all mean?

Dave: Well...I've given it a lot of thought. But I'm pretty sure I've finally figured out a way to do it. I think that with a little planning...enough people...the proper permits....I think I've just figured out a way to put together...a time machine.

Me: Really? Time travel? I mean, what about like, a softball league or something?

Dave: I don't really think that we could fit a whole softball league in a time machine.

Me: No, I mean..

Dave: Like maybe if it were like a big van... or a tour bus...I don't even know where I'd get permits for that kind of thing.

Me: Well what's this "DcCityball" thing that you scribbled on the bottom?

Dave: I just figured that would be a cool name for the machine...Kinda like the "Death Star", it would be like an American Gladiators AtlasSphere, which won't be in existence for another 4 years, but I also had a vision of that when I was trying to hang Christmas Lights in my kitchen and hit my head on the dishwasher door. And I just figured that DC would be the best city to time travel from, because you know how much I love Abe Lincoln.
You know like..."All aboard the DcCityBALL, next stop, Lincoln's Innaguration Speech!"

Me: I think you should really see a doctor. Your eyes are pretty dilated.....Anyway, the sketch says "Add sports" ?

Dave: Yea I just figured that the machine would run on exercise power, or sweat or something.

Me: Right. So why did you make me fly across the country from Pennsylvania all the way to this Shopping Mall Parking lot? I'm one.

Dave: Oh, I don't know. It just felt right for some reason. Can you help me hang this Wham! Poster on this street lamp?

Me: That doesn't seem like a great idea....your track record...and why..

Dave [falling]: Yeaaaaooowwww! I'm falliiiiiiinnng.

..............................

Me: Dave? Dave...wake up.

Dave: Andrew Ridgeley?

Me: No. What? No. It's Brian. You hit your head pretty hard. Probably hard enough that you might not even remember this story in another 25 years.

Dave: Brian! Of course! Of course! I've got it! It's Softball! I can see it now. [voice cracking] It's....beautiful. Five fields going at once, the Potomac River, Black Eyed Peas music, whatever that is, cheap domestic beer, sunburn...

Me: Grilling?

Dave: No, no grilling. They won't permit for that, I visioned. But softball. So much softball.

Me: What about like, kick-.

Dave: NO! We do not speak that word. But maybe like basketball at some point. And football. And you, you will be my umpire. Also, you will blog. It will be moderately popular for a time, then you will blog less and less, until you blog almost never at all because you will be getting two Master's degrees and working a full time job. And I wish I new what any of that sentence meant.

Me: Okay. Will I be payed?

Dave: Yeah, yeah. Sure. Now come on, let's get back to the East coast. Here, hop in this time machine I built while I was waiting for you to fly out here.

/end scene.

The rest, my friends, is history. The next 15 years, Dave fine tuned his idea. The next four, he looked for permits. Then, in 2004 the league was launched. The rest of that is...also...history.

So congratulations to Dave Sack, not only on the wild success of DcCityball, but also for the new beautiful and wildly functional (I bet those two words have never appeared together before) new Cityball Website. Be sure to check it out!

And also a special thanks to Dave for allowing me to be a part of the league for the past five and a half years. It's been a wonderful experience and I've made so many great friends and have a lot of great memories, and events that I don't quite remember clearly for whatever reason. And a special thanks to all of you out there, those that read this blog (all 7 of you) are wonderful, and everyone in the league, you guys make it way too fun for it to be considered a job.

A third special thanks to my good friend Alison Strub, for all her hard work on the new website. It looks wonderful, even though she doesn't know anything about sports.

Finally, a fourth and final thanks/shoutout to Maria, the first lady of ITV, on the day of our anniversary. Thanks for putting up with me, and keeping me company at the fields.

That's all for now Cityballas. Til next time, don't hang anything obscure around the house without someone to hold the ladder.

-Play Ball!

ITV: Seasonal Concerns Edition

2011-04-12T12:03:00.007-04:00

Folks and other folks,

With one softball league just underway and another on the horizon, a lot of questions remain:

Who will win the championship?

With Bloop Single gone, who will take over the title of earliest showingup-est team?

How many teams will have Charlie Sheen-themed names? or chant #WINNING before the game starts?

Before he was officially knighted, did he just go by Mr. Mix-a-Lot?

What the hell is a Rathskellar?

13 years after the fact, approximately what percentage is P Diddy still about the Benjamins? 80%? 65?

Whats a better nickname for the human balloon pitching in the Yankees bullpen? Joba the Hut? Morbidly Jobese Chamberlain? Fat Pitcher? (probably not that last one)

Has anyone ever said the words "fucking plié" consecutively?

Wheelbarrows?

Why do storks get a free pass?

Whats the opportunity cost?

.........and many more!

We'll just have to wait until the season to finally get some answers.

The truth is out there folks!

Play ball!

-ITV

ITV: Catchering Up...you know, like, catching up, but a sports thing!

2011-02-15T14:59:00.003-05:00

Greetings City-Ballas,
ITV here. And yes, in the famous words of Jesus, "it's been a while." Also, that Stain'd song (is that how you spell Stain'd? is that how you spell song?) I suppose.
So many things to say and do, but mostly say, because you can't see anything I do, which is good for you and for me.
First, some congratulations are in order. Our own Erin Williams and someone else's own Mike Usera (he's partially ours too) have decided to publicly exchange jewelry with the purpose of law-backed monogamy and tax benefits!Also, like, love. Congratulations, friends, on your engagement, and however you say 'mozel tov' in Spanish!

Secondly, though no less importantly, your commissioner and mine, David Bartholomew Orin Sack tied the knot with his, well, wife, right cause it happened already, yes, his lovely wife Leslie Bartholomew Orin Drogin-Sack (you take ALL the names, even the fake ones). The wedding was beautiful and beautiful and beautiful. I wrote them a postcard from the hotel (as per their request) about gremlins -- the postcard was per request, not the gremlins, though I believe it was implied.
Note: I'm not going to say who, or when, or what, but I will tell you when and what, that one of our close personal friends of DC Cityball had so much fun at the wedding that he/she was seen trying to plug his iPod into a wireless internet router at 2am.
Anyway: Congratulations Leslie and Dave, and thank you for sharing your happiness and beer with me. Also veal burgers.

What else to catch up on you say? or think? or don't do either because you don't read this blog to begin with? Well, I would say, in response to that, plenty! (Or nothing to the people who don't read this, cause you can't hear/see it anyway.)

First, the new season(s) are upon us. No, not Winter, Spring, Fall, and whatever the Babylonians have decided Summer should be called. Talkin' softball/wiffleball/volleyball/football...not so much wiffleball and volleyball because I have nothing to do with those.....but... THE OTHER TWO! YES!

Keep an eye out for early spring Flag Football, and of course, the coup de grace, the flagship,the money-maker the...the big...thing -- SOFTBALL. Yea, that's happening too.

Okay so maybe there isn't all that much to catch up on, and maybe that's why the blog sits dormant for months at a time. Whatever, its free.

More to come -- now that the blog is linked on the main page, I suppose I have to write more frequently.

Holla, and such.

-ITV

Congratulations are in order

2010-08-24T14:46:00.005-04:00

A brief yet sincere and joyous congratulations to Farr and Brendan, two of ITVs all time favorite softballers and people on their recent engagement....cause news aint official til it's on the blog! Best wishes you guys...and, sorry about the graphic above..it was the best I could do with such short notice.

In Remembrance of Swings Past: DCCityball Umpire Henry Thayer: Lost in Time and Space: Episode 3: The Reckoning-ing

2010-07-16T09:34:00.018-04:00

The following are excerpts from Henry Thayer's diary (one might call it a journal but it has a lot of Lisa Frank stickers on it and all....so..you know..), which chronicles his journey home to the burned out corpse that is a softballless DC.

For his previous adventures please visit Part I and Part II.

8:07 am EST

It all happened so fast -- like an eye that blinks a little bit quicker than a normal eye, like, on a hyper vigilant person, or someone with a facial tic -- it was all gone.

I, Henry Thayer, walked alone, through the city streets, like Bruce Springsteen in that video for "Philadelphia" or I probably walked that way, stopping to clutch chain link fences and stuff, because I had that song and video stuck in my head. But in reality it's much warmer out than it appears to be for Bruce in that video. Na-na na-na.

The thought of softball, also society, disappearing so fast, like that fast eye I talked about before, sends chills down my ass.
Everyone and everything I ever loved is gone, except me, my Miken Freak bat, and this trading card.

It's time to get movin, cause I don't wanna know what that sound is on the horizon...

9:58 am EST -- The Hollow Men

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper. - Thomas Stearns Eliot

The sun seems to shine a little less today. Also my shades are on, cause sometimes I get light sensitivity, so that might have something to do with the less sun shining thing.

Meals are lonely. Every 30 miles or so on 95 there's a Crackerbarrel. I usually break in and make myself a Country Fried Steak and some Hashbrown Casserole.
I'm so alone. So very alone. So I get to eat all the biscuits without sharing.

Now I know what T.S. Eliot meant when he wrote:
The eyes are not here
There are no eyes here
In this valley of dying stars
In this hollow valley
This broken jaw of our lost kingdoms.

He was talking about when softball wipes its stitched self off the face of the earth, wasn't he? Wasn't he....

1:47 pm EST

After lunch I took a nap. I dreamed of her again. Not the old woman that was borderline copyright infringement from the Stand, but my first and only love....someone whose identity I probably won't reveal until later for more dramatic effect, even though this is a diary of my own personal thoughts and no one else will ever read it.
I remember how we used to laugh and play.
I remember the wry smiles, the soft punches to the arm, the sprinkler dancing.

I remember the time we picnicked on the lawn of the Eiffel Tower, drinking wine, eating gazpacho, sharing boisterous tales of love and loss and softball. Oh yeah, also there were horses for riding...and we had hula-hoops too. It was whimsical.

Everything smelled of sherry and Tahitian vanilla and leather, the kind of leather cowboys wear. Cowboy leather. Like a savory cowboy sundae. That's what love smells like sometimes.

The king of Paris looked down upon our checkered picnic blanket, from his mighty crystal throne atop the Eiffel Tower and wept a single tear, which was also crystal-like, mirroring his throne for literary effect.
"Those Americans," he cried. "They cannot cook bouillabaisse...but they love like...something that loves really well, as well as my wife makes bouillabaisse...like..a professional love sailor. Sailing on the seas of love, in a friend-ship. With an acquaintance-life-boat...for safety."

Aye-aye Capt.

Day 2: The Dayening.

10:16 am EST

The zombies came for me at night. I've never seen so much blood -- it was like a river, of a size which I'd not yet witnessed, either. Like really seriously a big river. Like an ocean but with the potentiality for riverboats, and their gambling. That much blood. I also was wearing one of those white suits and black Mark Twainy/Colonel Sanders ties, which made me look a little like Mark Twain or Colonel Sanders. Probably more like the Colonel, because I was in a war. But that's probably why I mentioned the riverboats. They make me think of satire and chicken.

Anyway, there was a lot of BANG!- PING!- and KAPOW!-ing, as the sweetspot of my sidearm found their decayed jaw and groins. I piled the zombies up...into a pile..of zombies, and lit them afire. This was all before breakfast. OOOH! A WaffleHouse...

11:02 am EST
MMM..those were good waffles. Also, boysenberry syrup, FTW.
Anyway, back to reflecting. In the solitude of night, the darkness cupped me like a buttock, or a hand on a buttock, either way I was being cupped in the darkness. The stars powdered the sky like rouge on a hooker's blouse as I lie exhausted and covered in their undead wreckage.

4:07 pm EST

I penned the following letter, written in blood, but then in felt tip pen, because it was easier and more legible. Also sanitary. I placed it in a bottle and threw it in the Chester River, should anyone ever find it:

Dear Survivors. Stop.
Do you like softball?. Stop.
Theres zombies here. Stop.
The night is cupping me like a butt. Stop.
Also Im eating all the waffles. Its awesome. Stop.

I hope I find life soon. Alone, I fear I may not make it through the night. I find my mind drifting itself back to New York, back to home. I wonder if Tivo is still recording for me...Tonight is a Wednesday night. There is a "Friends" marathon on UPN. But they're all the ones after Ross and Rachel break up. Will I ever get home to see them? God be with me.

Oh, nevermind. I just found a hotel. It's only a Comfort Suites, but they have cable and A/C. It's time to rest my weary bones.

12:07 am EST

WTF. For real. The tvGuide channel says that from 12:00-2:30am, the SyFy Original monster/disaster movie "Epidemic: BatAids" is supposed to be on. But this is clearly still "Swamp Devil."

The world has clearly fallen apart....Should anyone find this diary...journal, you will find the world unrecognizable.

Day 3: Still Truckin'

8:06 am EST
Still kinda steaming over that SyFy thing...
Swamp Devil ≠ Epidemic: BatAids!

Also all the death and Kias are the only cars left on the roads and zombies and cannibalism. ...Yes, I've considered resorting to cannibalism. I mean I'm eating a scone from the continental breakfast bar, but if I were a scone...total cannibal. It's orange-cranberry. But it might as well be made of people. Things are that crazy here.

When I run out of these scones, I may not have a choice.

I might have to have a cinnamon one. And that's fucking gross.

10:22 am EST -- The Horsemen

"When the Lamb opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth living creature say, 'Come!' I looked and there before me was a pale horse! Its rider was named Death, and Hades was following close behind him. They were given power over a fourth of the earth to kill by sword, famine and plague, and by the wild beasts of the earth." -- The Bible I think

There's nothing funny about apocalypse. Controlling 1/4 of the earth and owning horses, Death is like if China went on that My Super Sweet 16 show on mtv. And then killed everyone and set beasts upon their flesh. And then T-Pain performed when the cake came out and China cried that the Bentley horse wasn't the right color. Like, if he didn't want a pale horse. But like, candy apple red.

Things are quieter now. Like golf, but with more trashcan fires. The zombies around me live a lot like homeless people, except for the flesh cravings. I think, in the fallout of recent events, some zombies are evolving...gaining superhuman qualities. This one guy I saw, he had to be like...6 foot 4. And this lady zombie had a really big head. She must have mind powers.

Not all the mutations are positive. Some zombie ahead seems to have developed a painful reaction to sleeves. His denim jacket appears to have once had them, but he's torn them off. They are all frayed. The pain must have been excruciating.

Does the lord know no mercy? Are they not still his creatures?

Anyway I've just been hitting them with this bat the whole time I've been writing. They're not really attacking so much anymore but..you know...booooooriiing.

7:57 pm EST -- The Metaphor

The world is Jodie Foster's voice.

The world is Alphabets Cereal.

The world is Jewel Poetry.

The world is Ace of Cakes.

The world is Canadian Money.

The world is Chandler Bing.

The world.......... is jorts.

Day 4 -- The Coping

10:31 am EST (45 miles outside of DC)

It's totally time to move on! There are no limitations on the human spirit. But there are even less limitations on the robot spirit, because robots don't have spirits, they just run on electricity, or, to a lesser extent, gas, or maybe even nuclear power in the future. I've given up on that whole softball dream. It's time to start my life anew. So I built a robot out of old Waffle House and Kia parts and some other things. And then I built like 2 or three more.

I have enlisted robots to help, both with the cleanup and rebuilding, but also the spirit-boundary-lessness.

The robots look kinda like the one from Short Circuit, also Short Circuit 2...I mean the robot didn't really change, even after Steve Guttenberg left the franchise. But they also kinda look like those old Alphie the Alphabet Robots, but with less turtles and ice cream on their chests. That is not to say, however, that said robots are completely devoid of either turtles or ice cream.

The rebuilding isn't easy. Most of the buildings, almost all of them really, are still standing. So it's kind of hard to build buildings out of other buildings. We don't have many materials to use for construction. The few I had -- old vacuums , a stereo (from one of the cars), and an ironing board -- all went into building these rebuilding robots. The zombies were really angry about us ruining their cars and vacuums, but they'll change their collective tune when one of our robots plants an American flag on top of the giant pile of rubble we made when trying to move a building so we could use it to rebuild itself. They'll change their collective tune indeed.

Things are still tough here. There's a glimmer of hope on the horizon, but the rest of things, the world and its horizon, pretty much everything else besides that small hope glimmer, is darkness. Also one of the Zombies stole my hat last night....so there's that.

Day 5 -- The Discovery

9:35 am EST

I dreamed of her again. She was riding a dragon made of softballs and hope. Mostly softballs, as far as I could see...with hope being an ethereal construct and all. She wants me to continue my journey. I abandoned my robot friends and rejoined I-95. They were pretty terrible at everything anyway.

12:45 pm EST

Mordor, The Emerald City, The Great Valley from Land Before Time....none of these epic grails can compare to what I see on the horizon -- The Mad Hatter ...18th and M, the intersection of the civilized world.
I stand here now, twirling the mustache I'm pretty sure I still have, and writing in this tome. Questions swirl through my brain. Am I ready to take this final step? What will be on the other side of that door? And will I be prepared for what I find there?

.......also when will be the appropriate time to reveal my former love's identity? Probably in the last installment right? Yeah...probably.

ITV: You've Twisted My Arm (Seriouslyhateyouguys Edition)

2010-06-15T09:59:00.019-04:00

Well I didn't know you cared, folks.
After some rather serious prompting (I woke up with an electronic horse's head in my Inbox this morning) I've decided to return to the blog world. Where have I been you probably aren't concerned with asking?
Well I've been doing a lot of writing, have done some public readings of my work in DC, finished up a degree and all that, but mostly I've been traveling.

It's really been wonderful. I've seen some incredible places and had some great experiences. Really unique and interesting experiences that I think should be made public because I think people would really be entertained by them if they had an hour or two to encounter the stories and the characters involved.
A few months ago I took a trip to South America with a young Asian boyscout friend of mine after I tied some balloons to my house. That was pretty wild. Sadder than I expected, but really colorful.
A couple of months after that my friends and I went to Las Vegas for a bachelor party. I don't remember a whole lot from that, but I did get punched by Mike Tyson. That trip was pretty much laughs from start to finish except for a bit of a dead spot about 3/4 the way through.
And then most recently, I...ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS: THE SQUEAKQUEL.

Okay yeah, I just saw those movies ...I've been in my apartment all year and don't really have much of an excuse for not blogging other than I got lazy and didn't have much to say.

I do feel bad about my time away from ITV and will try to make an effort to do weekly or so posts (granted there's something worth talking about).
So to make it up to you loyal 7 or 8 fans, I thought I might try to catch everyone up with the months that I've been away.
So, here's what you missed since my last post:

-- Barack Obama is president, so that happened (even though Blogger.com doesn't seem to recognize him as their leader, since his name is still marked as a misspell..way to go racist blog server that hates medical care).

-- The New Orleans Saints won the World Cup or something.

-- All of the Golden Girls are dead except the one on SNL.

-- The VH1 Hip Hop Honors happened.

-- THIS is a thing.

-- So is THIS.

-- Vampires are popular with preteens, despite the innate subtexts of lurid
sexuality and domination consistent in vampire literature.

-- Chevy Chase is back on TV.

-- So is singing (on quite possibly the most
unwatchable pseudo-kitsch cringe-fest ever televised) WHY JANE LYNCH WHY?!?!

-- Some website guy says these things are all OUT now:
Luxury Aspirational Editorial
Starbucks
Paris
Hybrid Technology
The Pill
Ballroom Weddings
Yoga
Being thin
Cocktails
Zoloft

(So, sorry everyone in the suburbs, but hooray for fat depressives)

-- I started and stopped and started Tweeting again.

-- The 90s became the fun ironically-retro period that the 80s were the in the early 2000s. I mean..is there ANY chance that in 10 years we think THIS is completely ridiculous?? Yeah, I doubt it too.

-- BP made sure the folks in the Gulf Coast wouldn't have a full decade without catastrophe. (I mean someone had to take them down a peg after the Saints and Treme, right?)

-- Bugles are still the worst snack food ever. Bugles are like the GLEE of chips.

So yeah, that's pretty much everything.

Anyway, now that you're caught up with a world sans-ITV, lets focus on the present.

These things happened on Sunday : - I got rained on thrice. A lot the last time. I got sunburned. Alot. There were swarms of bugs covering people. One guy got eaten and there was just a skeleton holding a Miken Freak 98 bat at home plate when the bugs flew away. I spilled ICYHOT all over everything in my bag and now my bag and apartment smell like Regis Philbin. (PS this blog could not be less about softball. seriously, why do people read this?)

Anyway, it's good to be back and next week should be a really interesting set of games. I look forward to it very much. A special thanks to Leslie "the commisses" Drogin, Chuck, Liz, and others for pushing me to get the blog back up and running.

And a special farewell to the Sharks and Bayside Tigers. Gone too soon. You will be missed...for 2 weeks until Summer season starts.

Thanks for reading everyone!

-Play ball!

Emergency Fund Raising Opportunity!

2009-08-13T15:19:00.004-04:00

Hello all,

I'd like for you guys to read the following email and consider, if you can spare a few bucks, donating to this wonderful not-for-profit organization that is trying to stay up and running so that they can continue to help our community!
Its called BookFruits and you can read about them here at their webpage.

Bartending 4 Change ran a really great function for them a few months back, as some of you may recall. So pitch in and throw a few bucks their way if you can spare it. They're a really awesome local charity and they need all the support they can get! The following email is from the BookFruits treasury:

Hi again,

Time is running out! We are trying to meet our short-term fundraising goal of $1000 by tomorrow at midnight! I hope you can contribute even just a little.
...
I'd also really appreciate it if you could forward this request/information to AT LEAST one person who you know would support our mission. That would really help!

...

Here's how you donate:
Donations are tax-deductible through our fiscal sponsor, Fractured Atlas. To make a tax-deductible donation, please visit the secure online site of Fractured Atlas at www.fracturedatlas.org/donate and designate Book Fruits as the sponsored project. Donations may also be received by Book Fruits directly at our mailing address below (but it won't be tax-deductible if you write a check). Book Fruits is always available to talk by phone at 202.338.1934. We look forward to answering any questions you may have.

Address:
Book Fruits
P.O. Box 11477
Washington, DC 20008

I really appreciate your help!

Thanks for listening guys. See you on the fields next weekend!

-play ball!

Twitter Issues Being Resolved!

2009-08-05T17:43:00.004-04:00

Some of you have let me know that the blog's twitter account is currently not findable in twitter's find people function.

Please visit the profile here: https://twitter.com/inthevicinity
to view our profile and add us as a twitter buddy (follow us).
We're sorry for the inconvenience and Twitter assures me that the name should be searchable any time now.

Once again, go here to add us on Twitter and follow the blog for softball updates, thoughts, headlines, etc.

-play ball!

ITV on Twitter!

2009-07-31T12:27:00.003-04:00

Yes ITV is now on Twitter! I still dont quite understand what that means, but follow us USERNAME: "InTheVicinity" for Cityball updates, blurbs, fake story headlines, and quotes that you cant find on the blog!
GLOBALIZATION BABY!

Sorry for the lack of posts the past week, but I got a new job and have been wrapped up in that mess. See you soon.

-itv

Play ball!

Party!

2009-06-27T16:19:00.006-04:00

We interrupt our regularly scheduled program to remind you that this Sunday, aside from being the championship Sunday, will be the day of the latest DCCityball Legendary Party!

For tips on surviving the party, please read last years party guide here

For FAQS, see here

Come on out to Garretts tomorrow night, even if your team isn't playing tomorrow afternoon. They parties are ALWAYS fun and just a bit wild. Who knows, you may meet the guy/gal of your dreams!!!

Come to the games, follow us to the bar! It's a great, fun day every season and gives you a chance to really get to know your league-mates! Also the umpires.
Come to the party, have fun, hear our speeches, get a little drunk, misremember, repeat!

See you there folks.

In Remembrance of Swings Past: DCCityball Umpire Henry Thayer: Lost in Time and Space: Episode 2: The Fallout

2009-06-18T09:26:00.046-04:00

"The last man on Earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock on the door..."

Henry Thayer was sorting through the ashes of a fallen city and, as far as he knew, a fallen world.

"Helloooo," Henry shouted down Madison avenue. The only sound in response, was his hollow echo, working its way back through the miles-long row of still cars.
"I'm all alone," he thought to himself.
Then, realizing, if in fact he was truly all alone, then there was no more need for a silent inner monologue, Thayer shouted, "I'm all alone!!"
"Everyone I know and hate is dead! Dead dead dead! Especially Travis Knight!"

Henry Thayer danced that night. He danced a dance that neither you nor I can ever imagine. He danced the dance of survival...also he threw a few 'sprinklers' and a 'lawnmower' move in there for good measure.

"There's nothing left for me here. It's time to move on!" Thayer announced, to no one but the sunrise. "Yet," Henry paused, dramatically acknowledging his qualm, "where am I to go?...I suppose I could.....no...no that's just too much pain back there," Thayer pondered aloud, still to no one, since every one else is dead. "But..." he supposed, "I have to be brave. That settles it! I'm going home! I'm returning to Washington DC...I've got to know if there are people alive! And if so, if they are reforming civilization. We need doctors! policemen! and ....A SOFTBALL UMPIRE!"

Henry had just finished packing his rucksack with food-- canned corn, ham, mayonnaise, canned bread, Orange Crush©, etc -- and other sundry items -- SPF 85 for his baby fair skin, his Ipod, stocked with the complete works of Ace of Base, his battered, dogeared copy of Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, and of course his trusty plate brush and glow in the dark indicator/clicker thing that he stole from Dave Sack on his last day of Cityball work -- when he said goodbye to his little card and game shop, and turned his back on the dead whore that was the new Manhattan.

"I'll get through the tunnel, work my way down 95, and should be in DC in 2 or 3 days if I hustle," Henry plotted. Traveling through the Lincoln tunnel (because Thayer figured he liked Abraham Lincoln better than the nation of Holland, and well, in this new world maybe there was room for a new and improved method of decision making) the true carnage of the Y2K related blast finally hit the mustachioed protagonist. "So much carnage.." he thought, kicking aside shreds of softball gloves and balls, now just strings and leather tongues on the tunnel floor. "So much pain." Then Henry stopped. He thought he heard a noise.

"Hello?" he called. No response.
"If anyone's there, I'll have you know I've packed a Miken Freak...not the legal 98 Freak with the 2004 ASA Certified Stamp either!" he yelled, brandishing the illegal bat to the tube of darkness that lay before him.

Still, there was no response. "Must have been the wind," Henry assured himself.

Henry exited the tunnel and began walking a bit down the Jersey turnpike. Then, nothing happened for a while so he decided to go to sleep.

That night he had a dream -- a wonderful and terrifying dream that shook him to his very core. Henry was walking through a cornfield when an old woman called out to him -- her name was Agatha...no...Adelaide? No that wasn't right, either. Beatrice? Blanche? No, that was the Golden Girls...dammit...whatever..she had a name Henry knew that...-- and she said "My name is Mother A-----" "God Dammit!" Henry thought. "She said it! She f--king said it..the first thing she said to me was her damn name!...Cordelia?...whatever" She said her name then she said "I'm a huner and sis years ol' and I still call my own balls and strikes! You eva nee help, you come 'round. You come on down to DC. They need you. Playin sof'ball on the Mall wit no bases or umpires...savages. They need you Henry Thayer...they need youuuuuuuuuuu......Oh, and also watch out for zombies. Yeah, there are zombies --the flesh eating kind- you know, from the nuclear fallout. I prolly should have lead off with that, instead of the softball thing, but..yeah, now you know."

Henry awoke in a cold sweat. "They need me! Who needs me?.......and man, what the f--k was her name?!"

Henry rose to his feet, rubbed the dreams from his tired eyes and continued his trek back home-- back to Washington DC...back to Softball.
As he stretched his arms and back, pulling consciousness back into his weary muscles, he turned his head and the sound that filled his ears was an unmistakable one -- the sound of co-ed softball...but also Zombies, and the terror that follows.

Stay tuned for our next installment, Episode III: The Reckoning.

Have a good week guys! Don't forget, Championship Sunday this weekend, followed by the DEYP (End of the Year Party!!!)! I'll be posting a Party Blog post either tonight or Saturday, so come back soon.

Til next time, watch out for Zombies and Jagerbombs!

- Play ball!

In Remembrance of Swings Past: DCCityball Umpire Henry Thayer: Lost in Time and Space: Episode 1: The Rapture

2009-06-16T17:51:00.015-04:00

Witness Mr. Henry Thayer, a charter member of the fraternity of dreamers.

It was a dark and stormy night.....How easy would that have been? At least if the atmosphere were something gloomy, ominous, portentous, Henry Thayer might not have been caught so off guard.
Truth is, it was actually quite a lovely weekend -- even the weather channel said so.

It was a sunny day in Midtown and the light shone through the yellowed storefront grass, making the entire shop glow, like wax. Henry was straightening up -- realphabetizing the comic book racks, stocking the candy display, and most importantly to Henry, polishing the Plexiglas card case. "Sure," Henry thought, "a few kids stop in every day for some penny candy or a Mars bar, and of course Superman and Spiderman still bring in the crowds once a month, but this," Henry said out loud, as he cleaned the card display, "this, is my bread and butter."

Henry was right. Anyone who took a look at the financial records of "Don't Hate the Thayer, Hate the Game-Shop" could clearly see that the vast majority of the store's profits came directly from sports card sales -- not just any sport though, amateur Softball, specifically. Yes, people paid big money for Softball cards -- Topps, Fleer, Donruss, they knew it too and had gotten into the game years ago. It wasn't unheard of for a New York City socialite to pay top dollar, two, sometimes even three figures for an entire Bayside Tigers Spring 2005 collectors set, complete with original grey/maroon design.

Every collector had their own favorites -- some collected Swingers quite exclusively, others looked for retro cards, searching for Mallrats first editions, or even some old Team Americas. Still others collected everything and anything DcCityball that they could get their hands on -- mint condition Myoclonic Jerks were a big seller, Burt Hills, pink shirt Masterbatters...hell, Henry could even recall selling a few UpperDeckers, back in '07.

Some collectors had everything Dc had to offer, and had moved on to Cityball's lesser known "indie leagues" -- Backdoor Sliders, The Checked Swings, the Jean Claude gran' Slams, you name it!-- all were big money in the big city.
But one card, one single card in particular was Henry Thayer's pride and joy. Umpire cards were rare indeed, but this one, a Brian Fitzpatrick umpire rookie card, was one of only three such artifacts in existence -- in the whole. entire. universe.

Henry owned one, the other two were owned by an Arabian sultan, and Lisa Bonet, respectively. The truth was, despite the fact that this card was Henry's most prized possession, he had a rather bittersweet relationship with the thing. Brian Fitzpatrick had risen through the ranks of DcCityball to become crew chief and as long as he was around, Henry Thayer could never be king of the Softball hill.
Henry had long since left the league, out of frustration and hope for new beginnings; resigned to forfeiting his first love, Thayer moved to New York to follow his second -- comics and memorabilia.

Though he had found joy in his new vocation, Henry's greatest goal in life still remained, buried deep in the depths of his heart -- to act as crew chief for DcCityball, even for just one game. Thayer stroked his mustache and gazed off into what might have been.

Henry could tell by the way the reddish gleam had entered the store that the sun was setting -- closing time. Before turning out the lights and flipping the "Come in, We're Open" sign, to read "Sorry, We're Closed," Henry had one last chore to complete -- safe storage of his prized card. It was too dangerous to keep such a valuable possession in the display case over night. No, this card got extra protection -- a double-walled, voice activated, solid steel, lead-lined vault. Despite the card's worth, Henry would never really sell it. Yet, more out of pride than financial greed, he displayed it each and every day for the customers to ogle. Some made ridiculous offers, others knew that it was a look, but don't touch, kinda deal.

As he put on his white cotton gloves, Henry Thayer had no idea that an overlooked Y2K-related computer error was about to short out all the world's home appliances.

As he removed the acid-free-Mylar-encased card from its display, and entered the lead-lined vault, he had no idea that the same error was about to do damage to all computer servers and delete all the pornography from the Internet.

As he placed the card safely in its nighttime resting place he had no idea that the subsequent complaining pornless men of the world would email the government simultaneously, thus overloading the Pentagon's servers and crashing its mainframe, and he certainly had no idea that all because of the tiny Y2K error computers would soon begin launching the entire world's nuclear weapon supplies....

But most of all, Henry Thayer had no idea that by the time he exited that lead-lined vault and closed up the small Midtown game shop, he just might be the last man left in DcCityball...or on planet earth.

Episode 2: The Fallout, coming soon!

Til next time, congratulations to the teams advancing into the next round of the playoffs! Should be some great match ups this Sunday! Good Luck! And thanks to all our readers for helping us get to 11,000 hits! Keep reading.

- Play ball!

Next Bartending 4 Change Event

2009-05-14T15:01:00.004-04:00

If you are on Facebook (and who isn't at this point?) check it out here.

If you are not, here is the facebook blurb:

Date:
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Time:
6:00pm - 9:00pm
Location:
Gin & Tonic Glover Park Tavern
Street:
2408 Wisconsin Ave NW

Bartending 4 Change will be serving it up for the non-profit DC Rape Crisis Center from 6:00pm-9:00pm on Thursday, May 21, 2009, at Gin & Tonic Glover Park Tavern at 2408 Wisconsin Avenue, NW. There will be an optional $5 donation at the door and all tips earned by the Bartending 4 Change charity bartenders will go directly to The DC Rape Crisis Center. The happy hour will of course involve specials, raffle prizes, and loads of fun, including $3.00 domestic drafts and $6.00 Red Bull Vodka’s! For more information on Gin & Tonic, please visit http://www.ginandtonictavern.com.

Bartending 4 Change is an all-volunteer non-profit organization that raises money for DC charities through special events and happy hours. The concept is simple - Bartending 4 Change selects a charity to host at one of its events held at local bars and restaurants - and all the tips go to the selected charity. Aside from raising money for charities, Bartending 4 Change 1) creates an environment for networking amongst charitable-minded groups and individuals in the greater DC area, 2) raises awareness of community issues and generates interest in community service, and 3) allows for charities to recruit volunteers for its future aspirations. To learn more about Bartending 4 Change, please visit http://www.bartending4change.com.

The DC Rape Crisis Center is dedicated to creating a world free of sexual violence. The Center works for social change through community outreach, education, and legal and public policy initiatives. It helps survivors and their families heal from the aftermath of sexual violence through crisis intervention, counseling and advocacy. To learn more about the DC Rape Crisis Center, please visit http://www.dcrcc.org.

Obviously, a very worthy cause, so come out to Gin and Tonic on May 21st and show your support! Word up.

-Play ball!

Harry Kalas March 26, 1936 - April 13, 2009

2009-04-13T15:16:00.014-04:00

I don't usually post things here that don't relate to DCcityball, at least in some tangential way, but frankly I just wanted to write this, and ITV is the only forum I've got. Anyway, I know at least a few of you are Phillies fans, Chuck from the Sharks, Dave from AAR, Wigs from Pourhowzers, Amy the Liger, etc...so maybe someone will enjoy this.

Philadelphia Phillies announcer Harry Kalas passed away today, here in DC before the Phils game with the Nats. He was pronounced dead at GW University Hospital, my alma mater, actually. Those of you who know me know that I've been a long suffering (relatively long at least, considering my age) Philadelphia sports fan; in fact, being only 24 years old, I had never been alive for a Philadelphia championship in any professional sports league until last season's Phillies' World Series victory.

Keeping that in mind, I grew up watching the Phillies, every chance I got. I watched the Joe Carter home run in '93, I suffered through the Rico Brogna teams, the Omar Daals and Mark Whitens, Kevin Stockers, etc... the Scott Rolen debacle, and coming up about 2 games short every season for what seemed like a decade. Then in 2007 I watched Brett Myers throw a 4th pitch strike to end the final game of the season(against the Nats), clinching the Phillies first NL East title in what, to me, might as well have been forever. Through all of that losing and heartbreak and fleeting glimpses of triumph, there was one constant -- the baritone voice of Harry Kalas. "Look at the scene on the field. Look at the scene in the stands," were Kalas' words following that fateful game in the fall of 2007. The Phils were 2007 NL East Champs and Harry Kalas' voice solidified it.

Again, last year, when Brad Lidge's slider found itself buried in leather, ending a 4-3 game that spanned multiple days and storms, Harry Kalas was there to make the call. His voice made it real.

When I was 5 years old, in 1989...(maybe it was 90 when he made the speech) I think I formed my first baseball memory. At least its the first memory I can remember -- Mike Schmidt retired. I was in Philadelphia at my grandmother and grandfather's house. My whole family was crowded around the TV -- one of those 27 inch jobs that are built into the heavy wooden frames. My aunts were crying, and I didn't understand. I asked my mother why someone would be crying about a man not playing baseball anymore. My mother, born and raised walking distance from Shibe Park, replied "Because he was great."

Being five I'm sure I didn't know I was doing it... but that day I made the connection between sports and emotion. My aunts and mother weren't sad because Schmidt was hurt, or ill -- just because they'd never get the chance to see him do what he was great at ever again. They could watch old tapes and they'd have their old memories, but from that day on, with the third basemen's retirement speech, there would never be a new one.

Throughout my childhood, my father taught me baseball, but my grandfather taught me the Phillies. I have a head full of memories of myself, sitting on the brown and white shag carpet in Philadelphia next to my grandfather, unlit cigar in his mouth, as he yelled at a televised young rookie named Jimmy Rollins for popping up the first pitch of 2 consecutive at bats. My grandfather passed away several years ago but people say they still see some of him in me... mostly when I watch the Phillies. Really, anyone who's watched a game with me knows I'm still yelling at Rollins' pop-outs, still cursing at the players on the screen even though I know they can't hear me.

When my grandfather passed, I wasn't just sad because he died, but because despite the photos and old memories, I'd never have a new anything to remember with him. I'd never watch another Phillies game by his side. That, in a way, is kind of how it feels today. Whether I was watching the Phillies with my grandfather, or my dad, or my brother, or Maria, Harry Kalas was always announcing.

I'm sad he's gone, but I've got tapes and DVDs and youtube -- his voice won't be forgotten. But still, I'll never hear a new call, not another "Outta here!" or "Watch this baby go!" or "Struck 'im ouuut!"
I'm glad Harry got to call one last World Series win...and I'm glad I got to hear it. But knowing that he won't call another, even if I get the chance to see one, is what really makes today sad.

Rest in Peace, Harry. Thanks for the Memories.

- Play ball.

BOOK FRUITS AND BARTENDING 4 CHANGE EVENT THIS THURSDAY @ BOURBON IN ADAMS MORGAN!!!!!

2009-04-13T11:40:00.005-04:00

GO TO IT!!!! If you're on facebook, check out the event invite here:
http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/event.php?eid=89964287836

It's a great way to give back to a VERY well deserving organization, plus have some fun at a great happy hour and get to know a few of your DCCityball league-mates.
There will be raffles with prizes, cheap drinks, and tons of good-looking DC metro residents!

Though I am unable to attend (I'm in class that night until 10) I implore you all to stop by for a bit, get a few drinks, and throw a few dollars the way of an incredible organization, BOOKFRUITS.

ITV: 2009 Kickin' it off Edition

2009-04-07T11:57:00.016-04:00

Yes Ladies and Gents,
The Spring 2009 DCCityball season is officially underway! And despite the fact that I missed my first opening day in 17 years, that means ITV is back as well.
First I would like to welcome any new teams/readers to the DCCityball zone, and of course a big welcome back to our loyal returning teams.

(Also, before we get started, a HUGE thank you to all the readers who helped this ridiculous little esoteric blog get over 10,000 hits! That's awesome.)

Now, as some of you may know, the 2009 season did not begin exactly as planned -- the pre-season warm up charity softball tournament was, in fact, rained out. But no fears! It WILL be made up, and made up soon. For those of you in the dark, our fearless Commish had set up a wonderful double elimination tournament a few weeks back to a) get the old and new teams acquainted b) get some early season softball goin c)benefit a great non-profit organization, Bartending4Change, started by DCCB's own David Sack and Salim (Unspellablelastname).

While administering to the logistics of such a wide-scope project is no easy task, Dave and Salim (before ultimately deciding to choose their own Non-profit) had the unenviable task of sorting through the voluminous worthy non-profit and charitable organizations here in the District of Columbia.
Some organizations considered, but ultimately rejected included:

- Carpenters with Asthma
- Intramural Umpires Union of America (Brian Fitzpatrick Chapter)
- Fun with Lupus!
- Hot Dog Fingers
- The Center for American Groin Strain
- S.O.S. (Sailors opposing Scurvy)
- Living with Scampers
- Habitat for Sean Hannity
- Give Kids Guns
- The AARP
- Reading isn't that big a deal
- Farm AID
- SHAMWOW!
- Victims of Dateline NBC Stings
- Victims of Hornet Stings
- Hunt Pandas Now
- P.F. Chang's
- Anti-Anti-Defamation League
- Preventing Disaster Relief
and finally the precursor to Bartending4Change
- Drink this or little kids get sick

Anyway, they finally decided to form B4C and on a serious note I'm extremely proud to have attended the majority of their functions -- they've worked with some really excellent local organizations providing funding for everything from childhood literacy to safe havens for battered women/children.

In that vein, Thursday April 16th at Bourbon in Adams Morgan, Bartending for Change will be teaming up with a wonderful organization called BookFruits for an extended and generous HAPPY HOUR.
Here is a little bit about BookFruits, an excerpt from their About Us section:

Book Fruits is a literary and literary educational organization. Book Fruits leverages the power of words for social justice. Book Fruits conducts writing workshops, publishes innovative texts, and donates a substantial portion of the revenue from these activities to charities that provide material services.

We believe that reading and writing give us richer, better informed, and more complex lives. But all too often, marginalized communities are written to, or about, or on-not from. At Book Fruits, we've seen that all people benefit from living in close proximity to the written word. Through our writing workshops and our independent press, we give people the power to tell their own stories. This vital service raises silenced voices, giving them access to language-rich worlds.

They do some really great things for the community, helping to give DC's quieted voices a place and a method with which to speak.

I myself will be unable to attend because of class, but I SINCERELY URGE you to go and invite as many friends as you can. It's a great way to meet some folks in the DCCityball community and have fun/drink for a wonderful cause and.... ALL TIPS and DOOR DONATIONS will go DIRECTLY to BookFruits!
To learn how to get involved with BookFruits and/or what you can do to help, please visit here, and for more information on Bartending4Change or any of their events, you can contact Commissioner Dave Sack or Salim Bhabhrawala of the Swingers team.

Anyway, thanks for reading. Till next time...
Loosen your wallets

- Play ball

ITV: Raisin' the roof for charity edition

2009-03-10T19:32:00.007-04:00

Yes boys and girls, it's finally happened -- it's spring break for ITV and that means time to write! It's been a long and uneventful winter; I figured I could spare you the inane details of how I made waffles, wrote research papers, and watched LOST online for 3 straight months...but there's finally something worth writing about!

I know it's short notice, but many of you know about this already, so it's really just a last-ditch-calling-all-cars reminder: Tomorrow, WED March 11, DCCityball's Own Dave and Salim (aka Bartending4change aka Run DMC, aka, Legion of Doom, aka Arsenic and Old Lace) are hosting a happy-hour fundraiser for Interstages DC, a very worthy cause, at Garrett's in Gtown ALL NIGHT LONG!!!...well til the bar closes at least. Anyway, all tip proceeds and donations at the door will go to this fabulous charity, so please, come along, bring a thirsty friend, and have a good time for a good cause.

In other news, DCcityball's inaugural indoor basketball league is going swimmingly and yours truly is reffing on occasion. So feel free to come down to 1st and M street NW to heckle your favorite co-ed intramural official every Sunday afternoon from 12-6pm.

And finally....does anyone remember Choose Your Own Adventure books? If not, here's a quick refresher.
Anyway...those books had some pretty wacky titles....here's a list...try to guess which ones are fake...seriously...I bet you can't(answers at the bottom).

1.Surf Monkeys
2.Master of Judo
3.Mummy Cove
4.Space Vampire
5.You are a Shark
6.Silver Wings
7.Barnyard Murder
8.South Pole Sabotage
9.Sugarcane Island
10.The Trumpet of Terror
11.Prisoner of the Ant People
12.Ninja Burglars

how many were fake, do you think? Look below for answer.....

Only 3, 7 and 12 were made up....i mean it....look for yourself:

Oh well...that's all for now. More posts to come when the time arises.

Until then, when in space, cover your necks.

-Play ball!

ITV Returns!!!: Out of Hibernation Edition

2008-12-01T12:14:00.003-05:00

Yes folks, I know it's been long -- too long. But, with the end of the semester on the horizon, and plenty of softball antics upon which we can now reflect, InTheVicinity is back in action. A sort of...anti-hibernation if you will, as we will be posting a bit more actively during the winter months. I'm working hard on a featured article investigating the sudden and mysterious extinction of wild roaming softball teams, as well as a small recap/reflection on the Fall party.

Check back in the coming days/weeks as ITV gets back into the swing of things. Hope you all had a lovely Thanksgiving, and thanks and kudos to all of you who gave us our 8300+ hits!!...also the PHILLIES won the World Series!!! Eat it Mets fans.

See you real soon,
ITV

-Play ball!

7000 HITS!

2008-09-25T12:49:00.003-04:00

InTheVicnity is proud and grateful to announce its 7000th Hit! Thanks to all our loyal readers and keep the hits coming!

Don't forget to read the latest post below, titled : The Quiet Storm!

Many thanks,

ITV

ITV DEYP II: The Quiet Storm

2008-09-24T10:27:00.030-04:00

So it's Wednesday, September 24 and I think it's safe to say that we've all recovered, more or less, from the latest DcCityBall End of the Year Party (I say more or less because my voice is still pretty much shredded and I can't get the words to Livin' on a Prayer out of my skull). So it's time to look back, make some observations and form a few insightful reflections.

First off, thanks to everyone who has sent in pictures -- I'm still sorting through them and compiling a list of nominees, but they're great and I really appreciate it.
The picture featured on the blog today, sent in by Bayside Tiger 2nd base-lady A. Cavanagh, quite aptly represents the mood of the party. No, not because it was all a drunken blur of lights and air-guitar, mozzarella sticks and mop-dancing, flip-cup and armless drumming. NO! I say. It is ( and this is some f*ckin deep-Oprah's-couch- sh*t so get your handkerchiefs) because for once, the DEYP was a coming together of a league!

Oh yeah I said it. This party was smaller, shorter, probably less disorderly than previous get-togethers...but you know what? I had a damn good night. The teams did more than mingle this time out -- everyone seemed to really mesh and it became a party among friends, rather than just a collection of segregated teams, already established in their drunken camaraderie.

This is not to say that other parties were confrontational or even tentative, but it just really felt like on Sunday everybody got along and had fun. The words "intimate" and "charming" have been thrown around to describe the party...mayhaps. But the bottom line is that is was another successful party!

As I said before, ITV is still sorting through all the wonderful pictures so the longest post, the recap, is still to come later in the week. This post is really just a shout-out to those of you in attendance. The witnesses, I suppose...like Lebron James' tshirts or whatever.

Meanwhile, congratulations to the Perfect Strangers and to the Bayside Tigers for having such impressive days. An extra Congrats to the Strangers for capturing the title, bookending the inaugural 5 seasons of DcCityBall by winning our first and latest championship.

Also, thanks to the one PourHowzers member who showed up. Good times, I won't out you.

Anyway, next post will have more of the recap details, picture awards, and zany anecdotes to which you've grown so accustomed.

Let me leave you today, with a little insight to the events of the party:

As you all know, DcCityBall Umpire Henry Thayer has recently relocated to New York City, New York and is no longer with the DC offices, but I thought it important for the people of DcCityBall to know the reasons why.

Back in June, Commissioner David Sack attended the National Boy-and-Girl Softball Convention (or BAGS-CON), in Butte, Montana to catch up on all 2008 softball rule and mandate reforms. Among other changes (the banning of barbecue flavored sunflower seeds, the restriction of tube sock length to under 12 inches from ankle to calf, and after years of battling, the formal recognition of the rally cap as an accepted hat style) the main topic of debate at BAGS-CON was umpire facial hair. The result was this:
The 2008 Mandate on Umpire Mustache Uniformity (MUMU). Article 3 of section 1 of said decree clearly states :

We, the governing body of Boy-Girl Semi-Competitive Softball, shall hereupon recognize the following two(2) and only two(2) facial hair styles as official, within our leagues : 1)Clean-shaven 2) Fully bearded. Any facial style not conforming to the aforementioned mandate will require immediate alteration or the host of said facial hair will face official reprimand.

Normally, such a decree would have little to no effect on DcCityBall -- Jon Macy and Ryan Hemingway are clean-shaven, Dave Sack and myself are usually fully bearded, and Erin Williams is a female, but this year we employed a young barbed rebel by the name of Henry Thayer.

News of the MUMU decree sent Thayer into an unshaven rage. Unable to fully grow a beard which covers his entire sub-nasal facial hemisphere, and unwilling to shave cleanly because his child-like appearance keeps him from purchasing cigarettes and renting cars, Thayer went on a hairy warpath. Though verbally reprimanded weekly by the Commissioner, Henry defiantly worked his way from banned stache to banned stache, creating a veritable quilt-work of American facial hair history.

First, he grew a pencil thin John Waters which quickly morphed into the equally dramatic Vincent Price.

The Price begot the Burt Reynolds, and Reynolds begot a full on Selleck.
Fu-Manchu to the fabled Burnside, Thayer spat in the face of BAGS-CON.

Aside from creating an on- and off-field distraction, Henry Thayer was disrespecting the governing body of the sport we all hold dear. Finally, as the playoffs approached, Commissioner Sack decided that Thayer, despite his prodigious potential as an official, was doing the league more harm than good. Sack transferred the young umpire to a northern affiliate.

Flash forward to earlier this September when the governing body met again to discuss the fallout from the MUMU decree : Realizing, thanks to Jason Giambi that alternative stache-styles DO have a place on the diamond, the body rescinds the former decision.

Commissioner Sack, forced to swallow his pride, welcomes Thayer back with "open arms."

But Henry, never one to forget a grudge, has something to say:

Luckily, because of the intense camaraderie of the latest DEYP, the hatchet was finally buried, and Thayer, though still working for our NYC affiliate, has officially been reinstated as a DcCityBall official, and will be welcome to officiate any time he is in town.

Now you know the whole story.
Check back later in the week, or early next week for a few new posts, including a photo-recap of the party.
Till then, watch your stubble.
-Play ball!

ITV: Oh God, the Sun Edition

2008-09-22T11:19:00.005-04:00

Some minor musings to chew on, for the time being (before a more thoughtful and provocative post):

-Waking up at 615 this morning for work, I was radiatively attacked by the monstrosity of a star which heats up this otherwise fine planet. Still hungover and under-rested, I rasped (yes rasped because my voice is all but gone...so much so that I actually sounded a lot like Sean Matthews saying,) "Oh god....the sun," but it a much less emphatic manner.

-I'm not gonna lie. I had pretty much a lot of fun. Yes.

-My face literally hurts from laughing/screaming....also Meatloaf singing.

-I'm really really tired.

-Henry had the most awesomest shirt ever.

-Last night was kind of sad, as it will be several months before the next spring/summer season resumes....onto the Fall!

-I'm also sad that summer is over.

-Evan danced with a mop. Again.

-People fell really hard. Very funny.

-No one threw up in the sink.

-Someone took pictures of me without arms. Sadly I remember why.

-This was a much smaller crowd, and everyone had stuff to do the next day, so the party was over by 11. Still, a fun time was had by all.

There's more to come, for sure, including my new link to Travis Knight, and updates thereupon, and even some awards, as the pictures roll in.

Please send us your photos at fitz.dccityblog@gmail.com

Good times.
-Play ball!

ITV: Championship Showdown Edition!

2008-09-18T10:59:00.024-04:00

Now you see why I'm umpiring softball instead of painting pictures...

So here we are guys and gals, strolling into Championship weekend like we own the place....or something...and sure, I see some familiar faces -- AAR, the Swingers, Masterbatters, Bayside etc., all have their Championship Weekend Membership Cards firmly in hand, full of so many star-shaped hole punches that I believe this weekend they each qualify for a free Blimpie's Best Sub of equal or lesser value to their previous purchase.
BUT then there's Stiff Competition and the Big Deals -- the new guys. They're standing in line, looking around, squinting at signs, asking stupid questions -- "I've got to take my SHOES off too? What the hell could I hide in my shoes?!"

These two teams, if I'm not mistaken, are completely new to this level of the playoffs, but as it appears that they are playing each other, one of them will advance even deeper. The Big Deals are the DcCityBall equivalent to the 2008 Tampa Bay Rays -- both used the the momentum behind a team name change to spur them into the playoffs. The Devil Rays and Gang Green went nowhere; The Rays and The Big Deals are poised to make history.
Stiff Competition on the other hand are a lot like......I don't know..some other team who is way better this year than last. Make your own damn analogy...lazy asses.

So we've got a pack full of grizzled veterans and at least one Cinderella in the final four. So who comes out of this mess?
Let's see what we're working with here:

Big Deals @ Stiff Competition 10:30am Field 5

Perfect Strangers @ Pour Howzers 10:30am Field 4

Bayside Tigers @ MasterBatters 12:00pm Field 4

A.A.R. @ Swingers 12:00pm Field 5

For the sake of sparing hurt feelings, and also because I don't feel like writing my way through all of these match ups, I'll just flash forward to what I think is the most likely Championship scenario. Let's skip ahead and not get into who beats whom. If I had to venture a guess as to the final game....I'd say we're looking at AAR vs Pourhowzers, if that's possible...NL..AL...who knows...but yes let's go with that.
Why? you ask. Well first off, it's unfortunate that Bloop Single v. AAR had to be played so early in the playoffs...that's kinda the Suns/Spurs match up, and a pretty apt analogue, I think. The flash vs the form, if you will. Which I will.
So AAR apparently won that game, and I thought those two teams had a great shot at the championship. Thus, AAR gets the nod.
The there's the Pourhowzers, DcCityball's own Atlanta Braves. Kings of the regular season, yet not much to show for it. Is this the year?

So we got AAR vs Pourhowzers, theoretically in the championship game. What would keep either team from winning?

AAR -- Consistency. As it's been said before, this team can put up 15 in the first inning of any given game, but often fails to keep their foot on the gas. They seem to let up or become complacent after an offensive explosion and then find themselves scrambling to hang onto wins. That will not do in against the league's best.

Howzers -- Grit. The team has a tendency to wilt a bit in the playoffs against superior competition. They need to go in un-intimidated, even if playing a better team. Championships aren't won against McLovin.

So who wins this game? and how?
Well I'm not actually picking, because I'm officiating this game. So let's just give two scenarios -- AAR scores 7 in the first and never looks back. They win 17-11; Pourhowzers loosen up and play solid defense, forcing AAR to fly out 15+ times. They win 14-10.

I know, you're saying, "Hey what about the Swingers? They won it all in the spring? What about the Masterbatters? They've been there before. What about Bayside? You said you'd never pick against them." I know...you're right. All valid points. The problem is this: only 2 teams can get there, and the number of capable teams grows each season. Any of the teams still standing can win it all, but only one will do so. We're looking at different teams from just a few months ago in most of these situations. I think AAR and Pourhowzers have the best shot, but that will remain to be seen until Sunday of course.

So what now? Well first of all, if you are NOT playing at all this Sunday, come down to the fields and watch a few games. It will be a nice day. Get some drinks, throw on your uni's and watch your league-mates do their thang.
If you ARE playing Sunday, but lose, come to the party. Come to the damn party. It's fun.

Seriously, the party is a great way to get to know your fellow Cityballa's and competitors. Who knows, you may even form a special bond with a rival.

Here is a list of people invited to the party:

-DcCityBall players
-DcCityBall staff members
-Loved ones of DcCityBall players and staff members
- Andrew Walker

Here is a list of people NOT invited to the party:

-Kickball players
-Horse-mounted policemen
-People who swim in the Potomac
-Men who carry change purses, even leather ones
-Men who wear more than one collared shirt at a time
-Anyone that smells like Axe
-Anyone who knows the last names of The Hills characters
-Anyone who calls me Ryan
-Women who punch people when they get drunk
-A sober Jon Macy
-Anyone with a permanently implanted bluetooth earpiece
-Any surviving Golden Girls cast members
-Anyone who thinks I am Dave, and thinks Dave is just a lonely softball aficionado
-Anyone wearing a Mets jersey, post Rico Brogna era
-Anyone who stores a handkerchief up their sleeve, not performing magic
-Anyone who performs magic
-Anyone who thinks tipping the bartenders is optional
-Anyone who plays $20 worth of Bon Jovi just to be ironic
-Anyone on the Shaggers who never showed up for a game
-Sarah Palin

Come to the party folks, my name is Brian.
-Play ball!

10 Championship Weekend Notes: 9/17

2008-09-17T13:57:00.006-04:00

Hello Friends!
We're quickly approaching the final day of the 2008 Summer season so there are just a few important things to mention.

1. You should check back tomorrow for the Tri-Anual DcCityball End of the Year Party (DEYP as Dave likes to call it) Blog Post! No, I will not be doing another Survival Guide, because the last one has not yet become obsolete ( you can read Survival Guide 1.0 HERE, if you'd like), BUT I will be compiling an epic and thorough listing of reasons that you and your teammates SHOULD attend! So make sure to check that out.

2. Since I was away last weekend, I do not actually know who is still playing, so no championship preview quite yet, but check back Thursday or Friday, cause it's coming!

3. Grizzly Bears are rebounding from near extinction. Good for them.

4. Most importantly : DcCityball and InTheVicinity excitedly welcome their youngest fan and future player, Amos, newest member of the Sharks w/ Freakin Laserbeams! Congratulations Mike and Corrine...his umpire training begins in October.

5. Tom Jones has a new album coming out. Good for him.

6. Tom Jones is still alive, apparently...good for him.

7. I won last weekend in Fantasy football....it's all very exciting.

8. I still haven't seen the Dark Knight, so stop asking me.

9. In an effort to keep pace with the rapidly-assembled-mediocre-sandwich conglomerates, Blimpie has reduced the price of their 12" subs to a mere $5. Take that Quiznos!!

10. Finally, treasured friend of InTheVicnity and UCONN center Travis Knight, our own Henry Thayer, has left the District of Columbia in search of his piece of the American dream. We at ITV would like to wish Henry the best of luck in all future endeavors and we hope that he'll come visit soon, so as not to forever deprive us all of his boyish mustachioed charm. Good night sweet prince...and goodluck to the Twins.

That's it for today folks, more to come tomorrow!
Take it easy, and bundle up...it's chilly out there.

-Play Ball!

ITV: You can't spell QUALITY without Q&A! Edition

2008-09-03T10:13:00.018-04:00

Folks, it's September, and you know what that means: the days are getting shorter, the Nats are almost mathematically eliminated, and you all are brimming with questions for the folks at DcCityBall!

I've got some things to get off my chest about the past few weeks, so here's another Q&A session.

Let us get to it. As always the questions come from you...in one way or another.

Q.
Dear DcCityBall,
How do you feel about forfeits?
Sincerely,
Gameless in Seattle

A.
Not good, Gameless. Not good. You see, as we've addressed before forfeits are
lame. In fact, forfeits could easily be referred to as "four-feits" because they
suck thusly, four-fold: 1) They leave your opponent with no one to play, after they've already sacrificed the time out of their day to come to the fields and show up on time. 2) They leave the umpire with nothing to do, and having to explain to the opponent why they've wasted their Sunday afternoon. 3) It makes the league look lame to new teams, other leagues, and general passersby. The league is not lame, it in fact, is very well-run and forfeits belie that fact. 4) Finally, every time a forfeit rings, an angel catches fire.

Now, now, I understand that sometimes it happens -- your number 8 and 9 players are a couple and this weekend they're attending an Arby's franchising orientation in Cedar Rapids, or the game coincides with your team-band's final stop on their west coast university coffeehouse tour, or the Antiques Roadshow is in town and your captain bought tickets for everyone batting .400 and above....I get it, sometimes you just can't make it. But there are teams out there -- and you know who you are -- who continue to disappoint, week in and week out. Weak.

Q.
Dear DcCityBall,
How do you feel about fake tags?
Sincerely,
Torn ACL in Scranton

A.
Dear Torn, not good. Not good, Torn. You see, I know a guy who was running home one time on a homerun ball that would have tied the game in a late inning. He was coming in hard and, despite the fact that the ball was still in the outfield, and his teammates were yelling things like "Up!" and "You got it, slow it down," he flinched at the sight of an overzealous catcher faking a tag at the plate. The runner tried to change direction quickly, so as to avoid said tag. His knee gave out and he tore his ACL and MCL.

That sucks, right? Now get this. He was a laborer and didn't happen to have excellent medical coverage, and, found that he couldn't qualify for workman's comp. He was out of work for months and things got pretty tight for a while. Luckily his wife had a nice job, and they got through it. But you can image an scenario in which things could have really sucked, can't you? Fake tag's not looking so clever anymore, is it?

Q.
Dear D-Bizzle,
We pay good money to play in this league. Shouldn't we be able to have fun and do what we want? Why you always comin' down on us?
Sincerely,
Confused about what a Tirade is, in Lansing.

A.
No. On all fronts. While DcCityball more than appreciates each and every one of your patronages (can't believe thats a word) I believe (not speaking for the Commish here) that the price is EXTREMELY reasonable and is, in fact, much more affordable than ANY other league in the area which provides umpires, actual fields, bases, balls, and a blog. Seriously its like 30 bucks a person or something for most average sized teams. You can't even buy a pornographic movie on BlueRay© disc at BestBuy this past Saturday for that kind of money! It's a date to the movies; it's two of the 3 easy payments for the Magic Bullet© Express chopper; its not what I would call "good money" when trying to gain leverage in a debate.

Secondly, you're paying for access to a service; it's not a privilege. Whether you spend 7 dollars or 300 dollars on a baseball ticket, if you get out of line you will be asked to leave -- money has nothing to do with it.
You need to show the officials respect, because they always show it to you from the start.
You have to keep this in mind -- even though you've handed over your hard earned cash, the umpires are still providing YOU a service. They are coming out on a Sunday morning to work so that you can play in an intramural game. You are not playing that game so that we can get in some practice for our big umpiring exam at the end of the fall.

We do not work FOR you, however. I work for DcCityball's owner. And I perform a service for the players. I expected to be treated with respect, addressed by name or by "Blue" and spoken to the same way you would speak to a respected colleague.
Granted, I joke around with those of you I'm familiar with, and it's perfectly fine to joke back and have fun. But you cannot expect to get away with the same kind of behavior on every other umpire's field.
You should approach every new umpire like you are attending dinner at a stranger's house. Be polite and respectful. They are in charge. It's a private league with it's own rules which you have agreed to follow by signing up.

If a player yells at me, curses at me, or gets out of line in any way, I usually yell back. An older, wiser official won't waste that time or aggravation. Rightfully so, you will be ejected.

PS. A tirade is, as defined, a "prolonged outburst of bitter, outspoken denunciation"...Just so we're clear from now on.

Okay we've got time for one more question.

Q.
Hey DCB...what with the no blog posts?!
Signed,
Annie, Bloop Single

A.
Dear Annie, and all other inquirers,

I really do apologize with the half-assedness I've shown the blog as of late. Sure I've got excuses, I'm working 3 jobs and going to grad school full time, but I'm not looking for sympathy, just understanding.
I too am disappointed with the amount of time, or lack thereof, that I've been able to devote to the site the past month or two, but I'm actively trying to change that.
I'm seriously very happy, and flattered that a few of you have actually asked about the blog, and that you seem to genuinely want to read more, so I am going to post more frequently, I promise.
I'm not going to do a full playoff preview of all the opening round games, unless I can somehow find a way to tie it into comparative lit theory...it's just too much and there wasn't enough turnover in the league between the spring and summer for there to be any kind of novel source material. I will, however, do a playoff analysis for perhaps the 2nd, but most likely the final 2 rounds of matchups. So look for that in coming days.

Finally a lot of you (maybe 5 total..which is a lot) have told me that you just refresh the page to see a new post at random times. I feel bad for wasting your time, so either sign up for Google Reader, with our URL if you care to, or keep in mind that I'm, from now on, trying to keep to a Wed-Thursday and Saturday morning posting schedule, as I have work and class all day on monday and tuesday, and work on various times wed-thurs-friday. Anyway, keep reading, as I promise there will be more to read.

Anyway, they tell me I should end with a joke...so here goes.

So a pirate walks into a bar, with a parrot on his shoulder and a ships steering wheel down his pants (one of those wooden jobs with the handles all about..whatever the f*ck they call em). He says to the bartender, he says, "Yarr" As a pirate has been known to say, he says "Yarr, give me a shot of rum"
The bartender gives him a shot of rum and then asks, "Hey, Mr. Pirate. I gotta know...what the hell are you doing?"

The pirate looks at him and says "What's it look like? I'm drinkin me rum."

The bartender says, "No, no, I gotta know what's with that steering wheel down your pants?"

The pirate drinks his rum and says, "Oh, that?....It's drivin me nuts!"

Some old guy told me that one time.....anyway, thanks folks. See you Sunday.

-Play ball!

ITV: Sort-of-Dazzling-Triumphant-Return Edition (that's where you say 'hurrah')

2008-08-06T18:41:00.016-04:00

I know folks, it's been over a week since our last post. Where are the recaps? the funny observations on the pros and cons of McDonald's new Chicken Biscuit Breakfast Spectacular©? and what of the Off Base© Interview votes??
Yes, yes we'll get to that, all in good time, I assure you. But first, let me, as one's been known to say, "break it down" for you all -- I have no f*cking idea what is going on in DcCityball.
I am ashamed to admit that. Personal scheduling conflicts and engagementa priori (that's Latin kind of)have forced me away from the lone, dimming, glimmer of hope in my otherwise shamble-riddled life. I don't know who is good and who is terrible. I don't know if this Jon Macy guy is real or not. I don't know where I am. I don't know your name. I don't know what this website is all about.

Alright, I know your name. It's Ryan. And I know who the losers are, that was a lie too. But I can, from now on, pledge my unflapping loyalty to intramural softball in all its glory! Go on, try to flap it. Can't do it, can you?

Anyway, four or one of you have been hounding me about what happened to the Interview poll, which at the time it was taken down, had reached nearly 1,000 votes ( beating previous polls in total voteage by 996).
Well it was taken down, frankly, because it got unfun and unfunny, really fast. Also because a representative from Travis Knight's office served me with an injunction for misuse of his image and misrepresentation of his hair-length.

Honestly, the interview idea was just supposed to be another medium for absurdity to reign, but the voting got out of hand and it just became a contest of who could waste more time at work and most alienate their distant relatives through mass-emails.
ITV has, however, tried to tally the votes which we knew were both sincere and legitimate, and the results are looking pretty close.

Much in the fashion of the heated 2000 national election, it appears that while Justin Kolikof won the popular vote, Evan Stancil has, thus far, captured the Electoral plurality, winning the following team-states:

- Swing(er) state, "North Sackota"

-"Burt Hillinois"

- All of the Umpire "Blue States"

- "A-A-arkansas"

- "Potomac River-Tuckey"

- "Myoclonic Jer-sey"

- The 2 seceded states, "Have you Tenneseen my Softball?" and "Summer of Georg-ia"

-"Hot Stover-mont"

- "Liquid Cor-egon"

- and, the highly contested "Colorado-State-Rams-Delaware, "

with Travis Knight playing the role of Ross Perot, Pat Buchanan, and Ralph Nader combined, and Commissioner David Sack playing the irrelevant role of Alan Keyes.

We're still tallying votes, and we do expect a lengthy appeals process, recounts, and hopefully a graceful concession by the losing party. More on that later in the week.

In all seriousness, I do apologize for the lack of site activity the past 2 weeks, but some things have come up, and it's hard to get away from certain responsibilities when your only real excuse is "I need to publish snarky comments about Color Me Badd and somehow relate it to the HotStovers-Pourhowzers game on Sunday," even though that's usually what I'd rather be doing.

So anyway, I hope that you'll all forgive my absence and that I haven't lost too many of my 9 original readers during this span. It's surprisingly tough to write anything softball-related, even about Travis Knight, when you haven't been there for a game in almost a month. But, I'm back this Sunday, and genuinely looking forward to it, sad though it may be.

As far as the league goes, Commish Dave Sack is out this week, leaving the league in the very capable hands of Deputy Commissioner Ryan Hemingway. Respect his authori-ta and things will go smoothly. Secondly, feel free to compliment some of us on how stylish we look in our new, lightweight, breathable uniforms. Thirdly, don't take candy from strangers, unless it's good candy, and the strangers are very, very attractive.

Whirred.
-Play ball!

Grass-Roots Campaign Spurs Massive Travis Knight Surge

2008-07-29T19:48:00.015-04:00

A last-minute push from fans and friends of former UCONN Husky Travis Knight has left the ITV voting landscape unrecognizable. Recent exit polls show that Justin Kolikof holds a firm but diminishing lead over the former basketball prodigy.

The recent swell in voting has been particularly strong in Knight's hometown of Salt Lake City, Utah. Brent Kerlowski, Travis's childhood friend who now lives in nearby Provo, Utah was quoted as saying, "Yeah in '96 when Trav -- that's what we called him, Trav -- was drafted by the Bulls, we we're all 'Oh my God he's gonna win titles with MJ!'... but then he was pretty much immediately traded to the Lakers, but then we were all 'He's gonna be the next Kareem!' We had pretty high hopes for the 'Knight-Rider,' we called him that too...but yeah, this Internet voting thing is awesome too I guess..."

"Really, this is something of a distinction," said Sam Wasner, Knight's hometown barber. "I mean he does hold the record for fastest disqualification when he fouled out in 6 minutes time in Game 4 of the '99 finals, but almost a hundred votes on a softball website? That's gotta be a close second."
An emotional Wasner continued, "He does get some kind of compensation right? I cut his hair a few months ago, and his check bounced. He keeps coming in but I've had to tell him my scissors are broken -- I just don't have the heart. The boy really needs a haircut though. And a hot meal."

Knight, a super-unrestricted free agent since the 2003 season, can often be seen reading, hanging out in local sneaker establishments, and drawing diagrams of videogame levels he thinks would be "really badass." Travis currently resides in Salt Lake City, though, it should be noted, he still makes his annual summer pilgrimage to the East to eat at his favorite Blimpies in Fairfield, Connecticut.

E-mails and text messages to Knight were not immediately returned, but according to an official statement made by his agent/handler/uncle, Randy Knight, Travis was "probably really honored.... What is this for? Like a gameshow or something?"

CNN Reports: Voter Fraud?!

2008-07-25T14:14:00.010-04:00

In what many reporters and DcCityBall fans are collectively calling a "travesty" and a "disappointment ruining an otherwise joyous occasion," reports of voter fraud in this week's ITV Poll have surfaced. At the heart of the investigation is suspicion over the total number of votes placed and whether or not voters have been bending the rules. When asked to comment about the ongoing investigation, a Swinger who asked to remain anonymous said, "I'm not saying that there's been foul play, but there's no way the Pourhowzers have over a hundred friends. Even if there are like...20 of them, thats still 5 or 6 friends a piece. No way."

While the average ITV poll lasts 7 days and nets approximately 7-12 responses in that period, this week's canvass regarding an upcoming ITV interview feature has already seen over 250 votes cast.

As of the time of this report, Justin Kolikof, captain of the Pourhowzers has a commanding lead over Swinger Evan Stancil, 173-71, with UCONN's Travis Knight still within striking distance at 5 total votes. When asked about the alleged impropriety, Kolikof, while rushing by the media barricade, was quoted as saying, "I have no comment one way or the other, but the rules were ill-defined. We're just playing it smart....The people have spoken! They want MORE KOL-BELL!"

The major spike in poll-voting has not only affected the outcome of the interview, but also has rapidly increased ITV's total hit count, launching it from a solid 3763 hits to a total well over 4100 in a matter of hours. When asked to comment, a noticeably disheveled ITV chairman, Brian Fitzpatrick said, "Yea..that's [expletive] great. But not one of you [expletive]suckers clicked a [expletive] advertisement. I didn't make a dime. Thanks a-[expletive]-ing-lot...[expletive]-bags."

Officials will reportedly seek to conclude the investigation by Saturday, after questioning all parties involved. They will, however, not continue to pursue allegations of collusion against Commissioner David Sack, referencing his paltry one vote total, calling the Commissioner-made accusations, "...ridiculous. Seriously ridiculous."

4000 HITS!

2008-07-25T12:12:00.003-04:00

Well ITV readers certainly feel passionate about their interviews, having swarmed to the polls the past two days, sending our hit count rocketing towards and past 4000 hits much before its time. A total of over 300 hits in the past 6 hours has put us into the stratosphere, so many thanks. My hope is, though, that a few of you newcomers have actually taken the time to read an article or two to see all the hard work that Dave and I have put into this site, and we hope that we've snagged a new returning customer or two. Keep the visits coming!

-Play ball!

ITV: The Swing(away) Vote

2008-07-24T22:02:00.005-04:00

The people have spoken...sort of. In fact, they're still speaking, and with only a few days left to vote, for our first installment of the "Off Base" Interview Series, the people of DcCityBall have come out in droves, making their voices heard. In a dead heat, after the first full day of voting, are the Swingers Evan Stancil and the Pourhowzers Justin Kolikof. While this may be a simple, "who goes first" question, as the runner-up will undoubtedly be interviewed eventually for the series, this umpire is hoping the vote will finally put to rest the age-old debate of who is truly better at everything -- the Swingers or the Pourhowzers. Pride is on the line folks, make your votes count!

Remember what P. Diddy says : Vote or DIE!
-Play ball!

ITV: Back from the "DL"!

2008-07-23T18:17:00.017-04:00

I hope our time apart wasn't too rough on you and the kids, but e-Daddy's home baby!

Yes boys and girls, after a brief stint on the "Disabled List", IntheVicinity is back in action, feeling refreshed and renewed as a simile involving something commonly known to be very refreshed and renewed.

It was hard on me at first, having been forced to take a mandatory sabbatical by a Commissioner who shall remain nameless, for what were officially termed "stress induced hallucinations."
I mean jeez, you try and call a balk on ONE little tidal basin paddleboat couple, physically violate ONE little FDR Memorial with the orange safety-bag, and slash ONE commissioner's FOUR tires while yelling "I AM DcCityBall" and all the sudden I "need to take some time off " to get myself "together." BS...and I don't mean Bloop Single.

Anyway, it was a long week. Let me tell you, the detox (or DC-tox) process is not a pretty one. I don't remember much, but I apparently had to be locked in the bathroom for the first six hours and was given to fits of profuse sweating, clicking, safe-and-out-like convulsions, hysterical strike three calls, and repeated attempts to dust off the toilet seat with my plate brush. Also, Maria said that I kept sobbing and shout-singing the Simple Minds song "Don't You (Forget about Me) from the Breakfast Club Soundtrack to pictures of the DcCityBall logo.
...particularly the hey hey hey HEY! and OooooOOoOOOOOoooooOOOHHhhh! parts.

Finally, after a few more tears, and some pizza and Miller Lite, DcCityball was completely out of my system.
I attended RS-AA (Recreational Sports Addicts Anonymous) meetings and stayed clean of umpiring for 8 whole days. Then, upon returning to DC, the temptations and cravings started. In a frenzied panic, I was unable to distinguish between the real and the imagined, the surreal and the subreal. I was, I think, seeing you guys everywhere -- on the street, in the park, on buses, in stores; in strip clubs and antique shops, gas stations and bakeries-- it was almost as if you were all around me in this city.

DcCityball was following me everywhere I went; it's been a trial each hour since then. My girlfriend tells me I've been umping in my sleep --arguing the Infield Fly Rule to my dreams, telling my subconscious that it needs 3 females to play 10 in the field, and something about the X-men and Kelly Kapowski that I don't quite recall...

My doctors say I'm a hopeless case. That I'm incorrigible. They say the only way to kick this DcCityBall addiction is to move somewhere remote, somewhere so far removed from civilization that they've never even heard of good intramural co-ed recreational softball. Somewhere like the National Mall, or Northern Virginia.

But I've decided that I can't let this disease run my life.
And yes, believe me, softball addiction is a disease-- it's hereditary. My dad used to come home 5 hours late from work covered in dust and chalk, smelling like double-walled aluminum and Big League Chew. My mother would ask, crying, "Where have you been?"...but she knew. She knew.

I've decided that I'm going to stay right here and beat this thing on my own. No more softball for me. I'm swearing it off for good! I've got to kick this cruel bitch-goddess of a dependency and begin my life anew!

But maybe..maybe if I just umped...socially? You know..just on weekends, with friends...when other people are umpiring too, so I'm not like "that guy" who just umps alone and makes everyone feel uncomfortable after he's done his 4th of 5th game in a row. Yeah, that sounds right. This could work...
Hell...I'll see you all on Sunday!

Till next time, the first step is admitting you have a problem and remember, you can't spell INTERVENTION without ITV!

-Play ball!

Tough Call by: The Commish

2008-07-23T13:33:00.010-04:00

The summer season is in full swing and its been a smooth but thus far a relatively quiet season. We've had a few upsets, a few new faces and of course a bit of rain...but the real story this season has been the emergence of Jon Macy as one of the leagues premier umpires. In his first week of umping Jon "New Blue" Macy hit the DC CityBall Umpire bi-fecta (that's mine-don't use it) when he umped the fastest game in DC CityBall history (48 minutes) and received a formal complaint from Stiff Competition (a rite of passage for any new umpire). He even managed to one-ump (that's mine also) some of his fellow umps by starting all of his games on time and finishing them within the 75 minute mark. Not a great way to endear yourself to your fellow umpires, but certainly a great way to impress the commissioner and move up a spot or two in the power-rankings. If he was a drinker I would have bought him a beer, but since he adheres to a strict all-green diet to keep in shape it was just a 16 oz. bottle of Kambucha.

I was going to write detailed recaps of all the games, but my commissioning duties are needed elsewhere- just know that some teams won, others lost and at least one went to the wrong bar. As we enter the 3rd week of the season I want to congratulate The Pour Howzers, Bayside Tigers, Swingers, Sharks, Hot Stovers, Stiff Competition and The Ligers for being undefeated and looking great this season. Good luck to all teams this Sunday and please remember that at DC CityBall-nobody ever has to play in lightning.

3000 HITS!!!!

2008-07-16T09:22:00.004-04:00

Looks like we're a lock for the Hall of Fame, folks, as ITV Reaches a milestone 3000 hits!

Thanks to all of you who contributed to this wonderful occasion, from the accidental check swing "I meant to go to facebook" hits, to the 4-bagger "I'm gonna keep hitting refresh until a new post shows up" grand salamis, every hit counts.

A special thanks to all of you who read the new post, helping us climb over 200 hits in a 24 hour period. That's pretty awesome, or really sad if it was just Hemingway sitting at work. Either way, many thanks and keep reading.

Til next time, go spruce up your myspace page, and Play ball!

The DEYPIES : Vol. II

2008-07-11T18:23:00.062-04:00

After a brief hiatus, we are back in action guys and dolls, with more DC city Softballebrities than ever, taking home big golden shiny statutes, in the shape of, I dunno, the FDR Memorial or something.

Let's get back to handing out some hardware with our next big category.

Most Aggressive Look
And the DEYPIE goes to...

Commissioner David Sack! Fed up with constant hounding of the DC paparazzo and unable to escape the weight of his own glitz and glamour, Dave Sack snapped and punched out an unsuspecting cameraman shortly after this one-photo-over-the-line picture was taken. "Are you ****in kidding me?! I said no more!" he was heard to say. Swingers players rushed to restrain the angry Commissioner as he shouted, "I just want to live in peace!" and "How'd you like it if I came and played softball in your home while you were trying to build model trains with YOUR son?!?!" Well said.

Let's move along.

This next award goes to the person who most properly summed up the sentiments of the evening within a capturable photographic frame.

Most Illustrative

And the winner is.....

Swinger Ryan Hemingway! When asked to comment on what he was thinking while striking such an evocative pose, Hemingway was heard to say things like, "YEEAAAAHHH" and "YEAH BOOOOYYYY" as well as, "I LOVE TO PARTAYYYYY, BIOTCH!" The Swingers pitcher also maintained that San Dimas High School football does, in fact, rule.

The next award is given out to the person who, in a supporting role, best exemplifies the qualities of being like, or impersonating Stancil.

Best Supporting Stancil goes to....

Swinger Salim! One of DcCityball and IntheVicinity's favorite on field motivators and toughest competitors, Salim would not be outdone by the stains on Stancil's shirt. Apparently that lunchbox was full of Spaghetti-Os and C4 explosives.
The right fielder, always looking for a challenge to conquer in the face of adversity, went home after the party and used his Extreme Tide-to-Go Stick to pretreat these stubborn stains "to the max," then unleashed the fury of his heavy duty cycle while using a Hardcore A-L-L All Stainlifter Supreme Ultra Concentrated detergent, restoring his championship t-shirt a, no doubt intense, sparkling white.

The next category is Cutest Couple, awarded to the two party attendees who made the most lasting, beautiful bond at the famed party. This award goes to two individuals, who I've never seen together before, but spent a LOT of time with one another throughout the evening, and really got to know each other intimately.
The winners are....

Bayside Tiger Brendan Quinn and...

the Garretts Barroom floor!

The unfortunate combination of poor balance and slick tiling ensured a harmonious and frequent union between these two crazy kids. Unfortunately, Brendan can't be here tonight to accept this award as he is currently on the floor at Garrett's upstairs bar.

The next award is the given to the person who, not with over-the-top flash or pizazz, but rather persistence and consistency of performance, made an ever-lasting impact on the outcome of the evening.

The ~~Life~~ Party Time Achievement Award goes to...

Kate of the Swingers! Yes, whether it be bustin a move on the dance floor, posing with the cup, or shooting a thumbs up to a teammate, Kate managed to appear in approximately 4,500 photos from Sunday night. That's around 8 out of every 10 pictures taken, in which Kate was thoroughly and efficiently rocking the house.

Here's Kate taking part in an impromtu DcCityBall business meeting.

Here she is with teammates Ryan and Melissa

Here she is..horizontal somehow..

And here she is signing the US Constitution

Good work Kate.

This next award goes to the photograph which seems least possible in matching up with with its reality. The Theres-No-Way-Anything-Could-Be-That-F**king-Funny Award goes to....

Stancil and Me. This photo was taken as someone said something just impossibly funny...or we were posing for a Virginia Slims advertisement.
Editor's note: This is just one of the many pictures in which I appear to be the living embodiment of unemployment, having gotten stung by a swarm of collagen-filled bees.

That brings us to our last, and most coveted of awards. The equivalent to Best Picture at the Oscars, Album of the Year at the Grammys, Most Chicken Wings Eaten at Rookies Sports Bar Wednesday Wingtacular, etc. Best DEYP Performance goes to....

Well...this party was such a good time, that in a way, we're ALL winners. But in a more accurate, and less lame way...the winners are

The Bayside Tigers!! From what I've heard and pieced together from photos, they were there from start to finish. Not an easy task by any means; that's just damn impressive. Congrats Bayside on another successful year.

Well that does it for the awards show. Hope everyone enjoyed it and that you all realize it was all in good fun -- no hard feelings.

Lastly, I've been told that I only gave one drunk speech at the party this year, making my speeches rate drop a full 800% from the previous party, but I have a few more things to say. Thanks again to all the players and fans of DcCityball, and all of you who take time out of your day to read this stuff.
Secondly, a special thanks to Dave Sack, without whom none of this would be possible... or it would just make me look like a random crazy guy who likes softball for some reason and has an out of context blog. Dave's hard work can't be extolled or appreciated enough ; he's quickly assembled one of DC's premier rec-sports leagues and I for one am really glad to be a part of it.

Thanks for reading guys, and thanks for your patience with the latest post. Check back later this week for a reflection on the Summer League Opening Weekend. Welcome to all new teams and welcome back to our old favorites.

Till next time, polish those statuettes and Play ball!

Part II, Post!...poned

2008-07-08T20:46:00.003-04:00

No guys and gals, I'm not introducing Ghostbusters III....

Sorry folks,
Working a 13 hour day today, I just don't have the magic in me. Half of the post is written, I'll try to post it sometime tomorrow evening. My apologies. Check back!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Points of interest to consider:

-Summer ball kicks off this Sunday! Hurrah!

- Approaching 3000 hits for the year to date, which is very exciting! Thanks to all our readers!

- Someone FINALLY confessed, albeit anonymously through the poll, to puking in the sink at the DEYP!

Till next time,
Play ball!

ITV: 1ST Bi-Annual DEYP Awards Show Spectacular, or: The DEEPIES! Part I

2008-07-06T20:38:00.030-04:00

Welcome one and all to the 1st Bi-Annual Dccityball Awards Show Spectacular(or B.A.D.A.S.S)! This is where we give formal recognition to those who went above and beyond in their performances at the Spring 2008 DcCityball End of the Year Party! It looks like all the big stars have arrived -- Dave Sack, Evan Stancil, Eric Gregg's ghost!

Just like the Oscars, the Emmys, and the Latin People's Choice Awards, all the good trophies get handed out later in the broadcast, so tonight we're handing out the "technical" awards. Tomorrow night we'll find out who won the big prize "Best DEYP Performance" among others, but there are plenty of accolades to be doled out this fine evening.

Let get things started:

1st Category: Most Championly
This category seeks to find the team which most displays the qualities of a champion -- mostly by winning a championship, and having the trophy. The award goes to........

THE SWINGERS!...they won the friggin cup..were you surprised?

2nd Category: The If They Can Do It Then There's Hope for Israel and Palestine Award

And the Winners Are........

Swinger Evan Stancil and Bayside Tiger Matt Mense. These two put aside their differences for the sake of the league, nay, the sake of the party. That's called brotherhood folks. Brotherhood. How did it go down? Well I was lucky enough to witness the turning point in this feud.
They were fighting, brawling in fact. Throwing hay maker after brutal hay maker, when someone in the background of the bar shouted to the bartender, "Hey, can you put on the WNBA game?" At just that moment both Evan and Matt froze, mid punch, and said in unison, "I love the WNBA....They got next!"...They laughed and laughed and laughed, then posed for the above picture. DcCityBall: Bringing people together since last Sunday.

The next category is a sad one, but one that must be handed out, nonetheless.

3rd Category: Loneliest Swinger

Stacil!
Apparently the Swingers had heard enough about how good Kung Fu Panda was. Sorry Stancil.

4th Category: Most Stoic Umpire

And the winner is...

Yours truly! Seriously stoic. For real. Totally indifferent, look at it....... Stoic.

Honorable Mention:

Me again! This photo was actually taken right as I was being abducted by aliens, apparently.

5th category: Best Commissionering in a Comedy, Drama, or Party

And the winner is.....

Commissioner Dave Sack! Yes, folks, I've worked in a lot of Dc Intramural Softball leagues, and have been to a lot of end of the year parties (NFL, NBA, NASCAR, WWE) and the commissioner usually hangs out in his ivory tower, turning his nose up at the common folk. But not our Dave. No, our fearless leader jumps right into the mix with his league, getting his hands dirty, mingling among the people and making faces like this. Good leaders lead by example; great leaders throw badass parties.

The Final Category for this evening is a new category, much like best Rap Album was new to the Grammy's in 1996 (I had a joke in here about the winner in both circumstances being "Naughty by Nature," because NBN won the first rap grammy..and that's a funny reference to me, but it read kinda over the top homoerotic.....anyway you should all know that Naughty by Nature won a friggin grammy..who'da thunk?).

The 6th Category: Most Seaniest Matthews
This award goes to the man who most fully exemplifies the qualities of being Sean Matthews.

And the winner is........

Sean Matthews! Seriously, I don't know why they gave me this picture, but hey, when life give you lemons I guess...
With his trademark high socks and a booming voice that could make Mother Theresa climb out of her grave and raise the mutha-f**kin roof, Sean is one of DcCityBall's, and IntheVicinity's, favorite living-hangovers.

Good work Sean, and (SPOILER ALERT!) congrats on your upcoming Player of the Week honors.

Anyway, that's all for tonight. Thanks for watching, and come back for Part II to find out the night's biggest winners!

Till then, don't trip on that red carpet, and Play ball!

DEYP Trouble I: The Sequence of Supposed Events

2008-07-03T19:54:00.040-04:00

You all broke the damn rules! And it was, I've been told, a memorable evening.

The following isn't for those of you who came, ate some nachos and left. This is for the start-to-ambiguous finishers.

The time has come. You've had your chance to shake out the cobwebs, drink your Gatorade and eat your Saltine crackers -- it's time to look back on what happened this past Sunday. I know, I know...you're not sure you want to remember...you don't even think you could do it if you tried. Well IntheVicinity is here to hold your hand through the shakes, and guide you through the evening. Four days have passed -- let's pick up the pieces, and try to put them back into a recognizable shape.

Yes, ITV is well aware that there are a few...let's call them "blanks" here and there. Maybe when all is said and done, the social jigsaw we're seeking to reassemble will look like a boat without a sail, or ALF without his big furry schnoz. Still, it's important to look back on the night that was, and try to figure out what the hell happened.

Before we get to that though, let's reflect. If this had just been a normal party, all our hoopla and lead-in posts would have seemed pretty silly. But for those of us who stayed from start to well..we're not quite sure till when...the Survival Guide looks pretty damned smart now, doesn't it?

Not all my ideas come from my own brain. The format of this recap came from our fearless leader, Dave Sack (but he stole it from Bill Simmons). This is, give or take a few truths, a transcript of a running diary I kept throughout the party. Names and "sensitive" material have been edited for your protection:

4:17pm EST -- Sw*ngers clinch title with win over the ******* Tigers. Good for them.

4:18pm EST -- **** ******** from the ******* Tigers hands me a bottle of Gatorade laced with *****. I say thank you. And I mean it.

4:20pm EST -- Captain *** ****** pours me a Red Stripe **** in a red cup. I say thank you, make lame joke about the color red. She takes the **** back.

4:21pm EST -- Someone else hands me a Red Stripe ****. It is consumed, sans comedy. Gatorade and ***** is consumed. My thirst is quenched. My liver begins to quietly sob.

5:34pm EST -- We arrive at Garretts. The ******* Tigers are already there. Touche..

5:36pm EST -- I order my first **** of the evening.

5:37pm EST -- I order my third **** of the evening.

6:00pm EST -- The party officially begins. Feeling good at this point. I'm a little bit sunburned, but I think it gives me a healthy glow. Commi**ioner **** **** agrees, compliments me on my complexion.

6:14pm EST -- ******* ***** of the ******* Tigers buys me a shot of *******. Much appreciated. He is still firmly on his own two feet. Make a note of that.

6:17pm EST -- The Sw*ngers center fielder **** ******* spills **** on his shirt. He is drunk already. I try my hardest to look surprised.

6:25pm EST -- I order my *th **** of the evening. Still feeling well. Someone plays Asia's "Heat of the Moment" on the jukebox, I bob my head-- life is good.

6:33pm EST -- **** ******** of the ******* Tigers gets a face full of cake and spills some of his cup of ****. I make a note to later call him "cakeface", but sadly forget.

6:34pm EST -- ******* ***** of the ******* Tigers slips a bit in the puddle of ****, but has the grace and balance to steady himself. Good save, *******.

6:50pm EST -- Time passes, **** is consumed. Someone declares it is time to "get this party started right." Party is officially started, quickly.

6:55pm EST -- My *th **** of the evening is consumed. I suddenly can't help but notice how attractive everyone is.

7:00pm EST -- **** ******* of the Sw*ngers dances seductively with a mop, attempts, but fails to clean up puddle of spilled ****.

7:03pm EST -- ******* ***** of the ******* Tigers falls for the first time. I blame the floor.

7:04pm EST -- I have another cold frosty ****. I've lost count. Man, everyone is really f**king attractive.

7:05pm EST-- ******* ***** of the ******* Tigers falls for the second time.

7:05pm EST-- ******* ***** of the ******* Tigers falls for the third time.
It officially becomes funny.

7:10pm EST -- ******* ***** of the ******* Tigers dances with **** of the Swingers. They take turns falling on the floor. It's still funny.

7:14pm EST -- People start buying me shots. They're all very very attractive.

7:16pm EST -- Surriously...you couldbelikeamodel..are you a Scorpio?

8:34 GMT -- Someone threw up in the f--king sink, man... Naturally I blame **** ******** of the ******* Tigers, simply because he's standing nearby. He denies it.

8:44pm -- I conclude my 10 minute conversation with ***** of the Sharks with ******** laser beams about how close the toilet is to the sink and that sh*ts f*ckedupmanforreals...gross. He solemnly agrees.

8:45pm -- Commi**ioner **** **** disappears.

9:45pm -- **** **** returns, tells my girlfriend and ***** **** of the ******* Tigers that he will "commission the sh*t out of them." When asked what that might entail, he schedules 4 games to be played upon them next weekend, with an optional 2nd weekend added in the case of a rainout.

9:49pm -- I sing "My name is Jonas" by Weezer with several ******* Tigers. High fives are liberally exchanged. The workers, despite what I'd been assured, are NOT going home.

9:52pm -- I see ******* ***** of the ******* Tigers on his back, on the floor. I think it very noble of him to try to use his break dancing skills in order to save the inner city youth center from getting bulldozed by a big city developer. I've since been informed that ******* just fell again, and that that was the plot for Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo.

9:58:pm -- I drink **** from the Sw*ngers championship trophy.

10:17pm -- I interrupt Commissioner **** ****'s romantic conversation to unveil some new kickin' dance moves. I then inform him that he's officially been served. Without a rebuttal prepared, he hangs his head in shame.

10:19pm -- Whatever happened to Lamb-Chop?...anyone remember that sh*t? That puppet was like...everywhere, now, I'm all, where's
Lamb-chop?Youdontknow.

10:34pm -- ***** and ****** drunkenly mash faces at the bar.

10:22pm -- I discover, but immediately forget the secret to human time travel. I do, however determine that from my calculations, the 3rd, 4th, and 5th seasons of Hangin with Mr. Cooper were among mankind's greatest earthly achievements.

10:30-11:24pm -- Scene missing.

11:34pm -- ***** **** tells me that we should ***** **** *** ******** ** * ******* * **** ******* *** ******* *** * ******* *** ******* *** * ******. I tell him that I've never been to Canada and wouldn't even know where to find a pet store open at this hour.

11:36-11:55pm -- I apparently pose for several pictures with various league members, looking like DcCityball's John Belushi.

11:56pm -- I start high-fiving people like someone is paying me to do so. ******* ***** of the ******* Tigers falls on the floor again.

~~1Z:00ISH...1Z..~~ TWELVISH (I forgot how to draw 2's..) I leave the bar.

6:34am Monday -- I call in sick to work.

8:38am Monday -- I discover my notebook from the previous evening filled solely with swear words, doodling, my name written over and over again in different variations ending with the last name "Sack,"... and what appears to be jam. The word "apologize" is underlined.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

So....between hearing stories from friends, assembling photographs on a Law & Order-type storyboard timeline, and getting ghost-like flashes of memory between periods of hysterical crying, I was able to make this my best-guess scenario of what probably happened Sunday night.

I had fun, and yes I am quite happy with my new Trix Rabbit tattoo. I hope you all had a good time, and that, from this recap, were able to fill in any "blank" moments you might have had.

Today, at 5pm EST is the deadline if you want to send in any photos/anecdotes from the party ( Send to Fitz.dccityblog@gmail.com ). I will be working, over the weekend, on a photo diary and handing out awards and superlatives for our favorite party goers.

Till then, Happy 4th of July DcCityball friends. Stay safe, have fun, and Play ball!

PS -- You can now subscribe to ITV and it's easier than ever! Just click on the Subscribe to Posts button on our sidebar, and choose your format!... Word.

Championship Sunday Recap (Pre-party, for now)

2008-07-02T20:47:00.002-04:00

Folks,

Before we get into what we think we know about the DEYP,
since this is a softball blog and not ~~just~~ a party blog, let's at least give a cursory glance at what happened on Championship Sunday, shall we?

In the AL, it was a day of comebacks. We saw the Perfect Strangers overcome a 14-5 deficit to Bloop entering the 6th to win it in 8 innings. The Swingers, too, were down in both games, 9-3 at one point to the Pourhowzers, and by another 6 early in the semis against the Strangers. They dug deep and found ways to win each game by a single run.

Meanwhile in the NL, the Bayside Tigers were demolishing a flat PRD team on their way to a mercy rule victory. They then ran into a red-hot AAR, coming off a big win vs the Masterbatters, but ultimately Bayside prevailed in a 7-5 defensive struggle.

Then came the Championship Game. It looked a bit like the long day and 2 prior games had taken its toll on the Tigers, whereas the Swingers were suddenly energized by the prospect of winning it all. The Swingers, realistically, couldn't have expected to appear in the championship game (hoped? yes. believed it possible? certainly...but expected? certainly not a few weeks ago after tying the Ligers and losing to the Masterbatters and Pourhowzers within the span of a month), so finding themselves just 21 outs away from the league title seemed to have given them the shot in the arm that they needed to outplay DcCityball's most prolific winners. And that's just what they did. The Swingers played the game of their lives offensively and defensively on their way to an easy win and their 2nd DcCityball Title, their first in the Spring/Summer League.

So congratulations to the Swingers! They more than earned that trophy, beating 3 of the toughest teams the league had to offer, and winning 3 straight on a hot, humid day at West Potomac Park.

I, myself, was tired after just officiating 4 games in that heat, so both the Swingers and the Bayside Tigers deserve serious admiration for playing at such a high level all day long.

This was a pretty boring post...my apologies, but not to worry Crazylegs!-- The first of at least THREE party recap posts is in the works, titled "DEYP Trouble." Keep your eyes peeled tomorrow for the first installment, and keep those photos coming to fitz.dccityblog@gmail.com. I will be doing the first annual ITV DEYP Awards Show post sometime after Friday at 5pm.

Take care and enjoy your long weekend...
-Play ball!

Minor News - July 1

2008-07-01T15:08:00.003-04:00

Hey folks,
Some small things to report today:

1. IntheVicinity now has a Facebook profile, First Name: Inthe Surname: Vicinity, so search for us and make us your friend! Come on...let's be pals. It's a great way for us to get to know our readers and put some faces with names, and vice-versa.

2. We have a lot of great pictures from the party Sunday night, but if anyone has any photos from the party that they would like to share (as long as they are appropriate), I'll be doing a photo diary of the party sometime this week. Let's say send them in by Friday at 5pm, to fitz.dccityblog@gmail.com. I have a few of the Swingers and Bayside, from a Swingers camera, so pictures of any other teams, or more from those two teams, would be appreciated. Don't worry...nothing incriminating will be posted, just good fun. Also, if you have any stories/anecdotes from the party you wish to share, please email them to us!

3. Thanks to everyone at the party, particularly Sean and Brendan of the Bayside Tigers, and Annie from Bloop Single, for their kind words about the blog. I was approached by a surprising number of you, and it was very flattering/encouraging that so many of you are reading and enjoying the site. We'll keep writing if you keep reading.

4. Don't forget that tonight at 6pm at Garretts in Georgetown, Dave Sack and DcCityball are hosting a charity happy hour. See you there!

Party Recovery News

2008-06-30T11:34:00.004-04:00

So I'm not ready to talk about the party, or what happened therein....Frankly I don't know how much of what happened can be spoken of again, without seriously harming the psyches of the individuals involved.

That being said, it was a pretty damn good time. Special thanks to the Swingers for a great time and letting me drink out of their championship cup, and to the Bayside Tigers for being the first ones there and the last ones to leave, all the while thoroughly rocking the proverbial house, particularly Brendan Quinn, who got me started way too early on the tequila shots.
Also, Jon Macy, of the newly reformed Jon Macy and the Big Deals, for making me drink unnamed cloudy drinks, resulting in my inability to explain how it is I got home.

There is much much more to say, which will be said in the days to come, for now, it's best we just all clear our heads and get our stories straight.

In serious news, Garretts, DcCityBall and Bartending for Change have joined hands and are bringing you a special Charity Event Happy Hour this Tuesday evening at Garrett's in Georgetown (the same place as the party). For those of you ready to revisit the scene of the social crimes, please join us tomorrow night, starting at six til questionmarks. All tips and donation proceeds will be going to a wonderful cause, our troops in Iraq. The email with complete details is posted below.
-Play ball!

Hello everyone,

I am excited to announce that DC CityBall has created a partnership
with "Bartending for Change" to raise money for different charities by
hosting happy hours at bars/restaurants throughout the DC area.

This Tuesday, July 1st, we will be hosting a happy hour at Garrett's
Bar in Georgetown (corner of 30th and M St in Georgetown) starting at
6pm. There will be an optional $5 donation at the door and ALL TIPS
RECEIVED WILL BE DONATED to GIVE 2 THE TROOPS
(www.give2thetroops.org). The goal of the happy hour is to raise
enough money to provide a "Baseball in A Bag Kit" for U.S. troops
stationed in Iraq.

To help us along, there will be food and drink specials including $2
Bud/Bud Light, $2.50 Miller Lite/Yuengling, ½ priced rail drinks, and
½ priced appetizers. The event will run until people don't feel like
drinking/eating anymore.

I am really excited about this partnership and look forward to a great
turnout this Tuesday.

David Sack
League Commissioner
DC CityBall

Into the DEYP II: The Umpire Strikes Back...You like that, huh? Edition

2008-06-28T13:37:00.004-04:00

I'm gonna be honest. I stole all my own thunder with part one. I got nothin left to say to any of you. Go to the party. Let's see what we can scrape together...

So now that you know what it takes to make it through the DEYP let me put the carrot on the end of that stick for you donkeys. Here are a few highlights from years past. (Note: I'm trying not to embarrass anyone, except for Dave and myself, so the identities of certain people/teams have been hidden to protect their identities...but you know who you are!)

-Spring 2006: A young, brash umpire overzealously tries to go drink for drink with not one, but two teams, resulting in the following chain of events -- Umpire leaves bar at 2am, goes to Suntrust ATM for cab fare, bladder is full. Umpire becomes trapped in said ATM. Umpire may or may not have relieved himself on Suntrust ATM. Realizing there is a camera in ATMs, Umpire puts shirt over face. Still trapped, Umpire calls friend for assistance. Friend, barely conscious, sends girlfriend. Girlfriend frees Umpire. Umpire returns to bar. (Scene missing) ....Umpire ends up at brother's apartment. Sings Robert Goulet songs for 45 minutes. Gets sent to bed. Wakes up in bathroom. Tries to board a train at 9. Severely underestimates the necessary level of lucidity needed for train travel. Umpire no longer welcome at Suntrust, Amtrak, City of Trenton.

A certain team attempts to pick up a female from a rival team. Result: Successful.

Fall 2006: Another certain team tries to pick up the sister of a female of a rival team. Result : Failure.

Swingers claim victory of league, declare ownership of the city. Set sights on world domination.

Umpire and Swinger try to set up other Swinger with fine young woman. Swinger too drunk to comprehend English language.

Summer 2007:
(Scene missing) (I broke my phone and disappeared for 3 hours...lets move on)

Fall 2007: Creepy guy from team keeps hugging me, er...I mean Umpire. Other creepy guy hits on Swinger. Neither get any action.

Frankly there are a LOT of other stories...but not many that I can print. Come to the party and see for yourselves.
It's nap time, gotta prepare for tomorrow.

-Play ball

Minor Notes before Part II

2008-06-28T11:03:00.003-04:00

Here are just some quick notes/musings before we get back to the DEYP Guide later on in the day.

1) I've spoken (electronically) with an administrator at Blogger, the company which hosts this site, and they're having some trouble with the Polls, specifically for Internet Explorer users. So my apologies if you can't vote on this week's poll. Firefox and Netscape do seem to be working...if anyone still uses Netscape..

2) The weather is looking a little dicey for today/tomorrow, but the games WILL be played unless it gets really bad with thunder and lightning and frogs, etc.

3) Thank you to Evan Stancil for being such a good sport about this week's posts. It's all in good fun.

4) Just to clear something up, which I occassionally have to deal with, I do NOT play on any of the teams in this league. I never have. I'm a full-time umpire for DcCityball and I get paid for my time. Because of a difficulty in finding quality umpires (and yes we do sometime use ASA guys, but the Commissioner really finds it more beneficial for the league to use umpires who are familiar with both the players and the spirit of DcCityball), occassionally Dave and Ryan Hemingway, both Swingers, will umpire games in a pinch. I've been umpiring for almost 10 years, and doing this league for like 4, but I cannot do ALL the games. Henry and Erin have stepped up this season and done a fantastic job, but with the boom of new teams, we are sometimes shorthanded. It is only in a difficult situation, ie the 24 game rain-make-up weekends, that we sometimes use players, who are also experienced officials, to umpire games. They have never and will never umpire their own games!

Anyway, that's all. Check back later.

-Play ball

Go DEYP ITV!: 4 8 15 16 23 42, or the DcCityball 500, How to Stay on Track til the Checkered Flag Waves Edition, Part 1.

2008-06-27T18:07:00.024-04:00

So you wanna rock the DcCityball End of the Year Party? I know, you're thinking, "I went to college. I can hold my liquor..there's no party in the world that can beat me!"
Well sir or sir-ette, you've already lost the race. You see, the DcCityball End of the Year Party, or DEYP (pronounced "deep"), as it shall hereupon be referenced, isn't like other parties you've been to before. It's not really a party at all.

It's more like an episode of LOST. First off, you find yourself somewhere unfamiliar (hey, this isn't the Hatter/Front Page/Pourhouse...where am I?) then confusing things start to happen, ie Evan Stancil is humping a bar stool, people are drinking booze from a giant silver trophy cup, polar bears start attacking, and then strangers from the other side of the bar start taking your friends, and you never see them again. Finally, by the time it's all over, you're left with many, many more questions than answers and you need to go onto the Internet the next day to see what actually happened.

There is, however, a way to survive this experience and not only live to tell about it, but have the best damn time of your life, not including Spectrophilia. Look it up. "But Blue, how do we do that?" I'm trying to tell you, so shut your booze-shoots and listen up!

You can't approach the DEYP like a normal party. If you go into this thing thinking, "hey I'll just drink and dance and have a good time", that bar is going to eat your soul and kiss your mother on the lips. You must, instead, approach this party like a race. Not a foot race, not a marathon, not some wussy bicycle race...but a good old fashioned 500 mile southern-drawl Nascar race. Here's how:

Like every Nascar race, the premise is simple, the course direct. You keep doing the same thing over and over right? Make left hand turn after left hand turn; drink beer after beer after beer -- yet every race has its share of crash and burns. Why? Lack of focus, baby.

Step 1. Keep your eyes on the prize.
You spent the past 10 weeks building up to this moment, now you want to blow it all with a momentary lapse of focus? Not on my watch, Flipflops! Keep your focus. This party is about drinking and surviving to drink some more. Don't get distracted by quasi-attractive catchers just because they're all dolled-up instead of wearing scrunchies and Umbro shorts (That was sexist, I'm sorry...guys can wear scrunchies too). Drink your beer, mingle, and be aware of your surroundings. Which leads us to

Step 2. Just like a car race, Avoid the wall.
Sure, it seems innocent enough. You figure you'll just hang on the perimeter with your Bud Light and nacho plate, avoiding eye contact and maybe no one will notice. Maybe you can just sneak by and win this thing by living on the fringes. Well, Johnny Wobbles, no you cannot! So what, you're the one and only member of Stiff Competition to show up? What else is new? You better get your ass in the mix, right in the center of that tile dance floor and love it!
If you don't, and someone spots your sad self pushing that single sour-creamed jalapeno around your plate, nursing your first Bartles and James Kewl-Kiwi-Berry Cooler, you will get thrown into the mix, and at that point will be in WAY over your head in the fun department. Then, you're as good as dead. You can't coast through this party, but you can't be reckless either. Which brings us to

Step 3. Mind the Pace Car.
In every Nascar race, after a crash, there is a car that determines the appropriate speed at which the cars should drive. Go faster than the pace car, and a penalty is coming your way. Drive too much slower and you'll probably cause another wreck. The point is to stay comfortably behind the pace car at all times, and mind its speed. What, you might be wondering, does this have to do with DcCityball? I'll tell you -- Evan Mutha-f--kin Stancil is what. Use Evan Stancil as your guide. If you find yourself drinking any faster than he is, you're doomed to spin out, hit the wall and end up in a crumpled ball of flames and liquid hot dog-chunks. Drink much slower than he, and you're going to cause a jam, and drag down yourself and the entire party. To have a good time, stay a comfortable distance behind Evan "The Human Pace Car" Stancil. (Note: if any of you are saying, "Who the balls is Evan Stancil?" just look for the person with the wettest shirt and biggest grin in the bar. Note within a note: how much more tail do you think Stancil is getting since becoming a regular IntheVicinity star???)

Step 4. Only make pit stops when necessary.
There's no need to keep pulling yourself out of the race to pee/fix your hair/talk on your cell phone/re-apply makeup/ have a 190 minute argument with your brother's fiance, etc...Only leave the track when it's a necessity. Don't go breaking the seal or pulling the trigger too early. You need to get your laps in and keep up, or you might find yourself coming back to a completely unrecognizable party.
Step 5 is an important step, and one that should be considered before even coming to the DEYP.

Step 5. Pay tribute to your sponsors.
I know, I know. You think that if you put on your best 3 pastel polo shirts and wrap yourself in a impermeable cloud of Axe Body Spray, that the cute 2nd basemen from so-and-so will give you a second glance after her 13th Sloe Gin Fizz. Well, that's not why we're here, and no, she won't. Nascar drivers get paid a LOT of money to not only wear a suit made completely of sewn-together logos, but to drink/eat/change their tires with/eat soup out of their sponsors' products. The drivers are a brand in and of themselves. So please, for the love of god, wear your uniform t-shirts (especially if you're playing on Sunday!!)
Dance with who brought you! That Custom Ink t-shirt is the only reason that you're even in this party in the first place, so don't go ditching it now that you're in the big show. Secondly, unless you KNOW that I've called you by your first name at some point this season, I will have NO idea who you are if you're sans uniform. No not because I'm a snob, but because I will be drunk and I need readily available identifiers -- there are 500 of you for christs sake. Softball t-shirts are the most accessible way for everyone to know who you are, and why you belong here, unless you wanna wear a shirt that says "Kind of cute blonde from the Indy Team" or "Douche who applies fake tags."
Will I be wearing my uniform? No. But do as I say and not as I do. I'm an Icon. Some of you might have posters of me, making home plate out calls hanging over your beds. I get it, you look up to me. I know you know who I am. But for the rest of you, this is just an easier, and much cooler method than Hello-my-name-is tags.

Finally, just be proud of your team. Show some spirit. Unless you sucked, then pretend you were on a good team. (Pourhowzer uniforms are available for a nominal fee on their website.)

Now, the Final step.
Step 6. Be a gracious loser/winner. There are like 500 of you, thus the DcCityball 500 (That's 32 teams times 15-16ish players per roster), so only one of you (or one team out of 32) can actually win this thing. Don't be too proud to bow out if you've given it your best shot but don't, realistically, have a shot at taking home the gold. Drivers still get a buttload of cash for finishing like 17th out of 43...so what the hell, take your giant cardboard check to the bank!
If, by chance, you are the winner, and are the last one standing, act accordingly. It's expected of Nascar drivers, on the way to victory lane, to salute the fans who sat through the 5 hour 300 lap race by doing some burn-outs and donuts on the track. Get out on that floor and celebrate a bit, you've earned it -- but be gracious. No need to showboat, act like you've been the drunkest person on M street before. Thank your sponsors, take a last giant swig of whatever is in that cup, pose for a picture or two and ride off into the increasingly approaching sun[rise].

Now, my friends, you have the base knowledge to get through the DEYP. Heed my advice, and follow these steps and you will have a blast. It's a great opportunity to get to know your fellow teammates/drink free beer/make out with a rival/become a DcCityball legend.

On a more serious note, please be responsible. Take cabs home. Keep an eye on your friends and teammates. Be respectful of your fellow party-goes.
Most importantly of all, though beer and food are free, the service is not! TIP YOUR BARTENDERS and be kind and respectful to them, especially the female bartenders. They'll take good care of you, so take care of them. When else can you sit around and eat and drink for an entire evening and not pay a cent? Tip your bartenders and do NOT get out of line with any of them, or I'll start drinking Jagermeister and turn into a fatter, less lucid version of the Incredible Hulk (in theaters now!) Trust me, you won't like me when I'm angry... and drunk and sunburned.

Lastly, please, come to the damn party! It's a great time and we all really enjoy getting to know you guys and girls off the field. There is more to say about this whole shindig, but I will save a bit for Part II, the Epilogue and closing comments.

Hope to see you guys there, and no, do NOT buy me Jager, under any circumstances. You've been warned.

-Play ball!

2000 HITS!!!

2008-06-26T07:32:00.004-04:00

What's that I hear? Matchbox 20...?...3 Doors Down?...That stupid "Blue" song??.
..NO! It's the GOOD kind of 2000 hits!

IntheVicinity would like to thank all of its wonderful readers and the fine people at DcCityball for making this site a pretty real success, all things considered. We have 32 teams, let us say that each team has around 15 people...thats like 480-500 total players this season. Either all of you have visited 4 times a piece, or there are some seriously loyal, but select as I suspect, readers who read this site frequently. Thank you to all of you who read our zany spin (what a horrible word...anyone who described themselves as zany is NOT your friend) on a great sports league. We love the league and we love what we're able to do here.

Please, as always, but none of you have, feel free to post comments on any post or shoot us an email at fitz.dccityblog@gmail.com anytime. Let us know what you think, I have no authority over you in cyberspace!

Anyway, thanks again guys and gals, this has really been a fun experience, and it's only fun if people read it...so it's all about you folks. Looking forward to another 2000 hits and plenty more seasons of ZANY online-capering.

Until next time, throw away those Vertical Horizon CDs...you don't need them, they have no power over you...

-Play Ball!

ITV: Better Late than Really Late Edition or, Unleash it to the Maxxx: Extreme Fury Edition

2008-06-25T23:38:00.000-04:00

Folks, we were told there'd be nachos.....

My lord, it's going on Thursday already with no post! I tell you, folks, jobs are for suckers, and poor people.

There are some things to be said, yes, many things to be said indeed. Sadly, few of them are about softball.

On the bright(er) side, there are two interesting points of...well...interest, I suppose, regarding this past weekend's events. No, I was not interested in the shellackings handed out by Bayside and the Masterbatters, nor did the AAR smackdown on a flat Blue Team set my soul ablaze...No, this weekend wasn't as exciting as I'd hoped -- but what the balls?! There were two great games! And two is better than none, my grandma always told me -- well one of them did...the other was a little dull in the numerals department.
What two games you ask? Well the two games I'm 'bout to describe, silly!

For the first game, let me set the stage: It's Saturday night and Swingers center fielder/sluggernaut Evan Stancil is sitting at home in his posh Jr. 1 bedroom apartment wearing his best gold and navy velour tracksuit. Stancil,
(in)famously prone to injury in seemingly innocent circumstances has been relegated to his home, under house arrest, during all pre-game evenings for the rest of the year by Swingers manager Liz.
So Evan, or Stancy-Thigpen, as his friends call him (Stancy Pelosi, for our politically sharp readers), is relaxing on his Target futon, watching a rare, but un-not-watchable 24-hour Quantum Leap marathon, drinking Tampico and Gin spritzers and stuffing his face with Raisinets, when a giant brown calamity crashes through his paper thin living/bed/bathroom wall.

There, staring eye-to-glazed-eye with Stancil is the notorious man-killer/Raisinet lover -- the American Grizzly Bear.
ROAR! the bear yells as Evan runs away, as far as one can run in a 12x14 apartment, replying "Please no! Not even I can get injured in my own apartment, eating delicious chocolate covered raisins in my finest velour apparel!"
The bear didn't even wait for Evan to complete his plea -- he swiped at the yellow and red candy jacket in Evan's left hand with unspeakable [unleashed] fury and speed, stealing the sweet treats, and subsequently severing Stancil's hand off at the wrist.

The bear was later spotted riding the 96 bus through Adam's Morgan, and was eventually identified as Justin Kolikoff and 3 other Pourhowzers in a poorly constructed rental costume.

Flash forward to Sunday's game, where the suddenly sullen, detached Swingers took on the red-hot, feel-good Ligers in a rematch of this year's midseason tie. The Swingers took the field early, as suggested by a certain blogmaster, to take infield, but were conspicuously quiet. Where was the chatter? Where was the camaraderie? Where have my Swingers gone, dear friend? The Swingers who enjoyed winning more than they dreaded losing? The loose, scrappy team who won games with solid all-around play instead of blinding speed or chest-hair-straightening power? Where had they gone?

They were nowhere to be found, until some time in the 5th inning....Captain Liz drove in a pair of runs with a double to left field and the bench went wild. The Swingers would bat around that inning, which featured a hook-handed Evan Stancil lumbering around the bases like he was being chased by ghosts, as the Swingers piled on runs against the unsuspecting Ligers. The cheers spouted freely that inning -- the Swingers were exorcising their demons. Dave Sack would cap the game off in the 7th with a single-motion outfield assist to third base that Tom Emanski would have been proud of...

The Swingers had their swagger back, and they cruised 17-8.

Game two has a less interesting back-story but featured the IntheVicinity Performance of the Week Award winner(s)!......Ladies and Gentlemen, THE WIDE STANCES!
Sure I may have written them off (not really, I'm just a Gang Green fan) and sure they lost to the Pourhowzers....but come on, what a gutsy team they were this week. They had the defending NL champs on the ropes all game long, as it took a few spectacular plays and Howzers captain Justin Kolikoff setting fire to several Wide Stance automobilies/pets for the guys in green to come out on top over the underdog Stances squad.

High applaus for the Wide Stances!

So yeah I may be giving the Howzers a hard time this week....but I like to...so whatever.

Anyway, it's getting late and now that you're caught up with what's happened so far in the playoffs you can rest this evening, with visions of Stancil dancing in your heads. Keep your eyes out for my End of the Season Party Survival Guide, to be posted over Friday and Saturday. Please, for the sake of all those involved, yourself included, read the guide, and follow its teachings....or you might end up unleashing the fury all over Hu's Shoes.

Till then, how bout a little chatter?
-Play ball!

End of the Season Party this Sunday!

2008-06-25T22:17:00.008-04:00

While many of you are eagerly awaiting Brian's Guide to the End of the Season Party I thought I'd post a quick End of the Season Party related FAQ.

Q: Hey Commish, there is an End of the Season Party?
A: Yes, its this Sunday (June 29th) at Garrett's in Georgetown. It starts at 6pm and we have Free Bud/Bud Light and Free Food.

Q: Is Sierra Nevada free?
A: No, Free Bud and Bud Light.

Q: Shots?
A: No, Free Bud and Bud Light.

Q: Long Islands?
A: You get the point.

Q: If I don't like beer, what should I do?
A: Garrett's sells all kinds of spirits, cordials and wine at very reasonable prices.

Q: If I get really drunk at the party can I make a speech?
A: Unfortunately only the Commissioner is allowed to make an official speech. This is pretty much the only benefit to being the commissioner so back off. However, if you are the Head Umpire you are allowed to make 5 or 7 different toasts as long as they make less and less sense as they go.

Q: If my team wins the DC CityBall Championship Game can I try to take home a player on an opposing team?
A: No, but if your team loses you are encouraged to take home whatever you can get.

Q: Hey Commish, can I buy you a shot of Jaiger?
A: Only if you are cool with me passing out in the bushes in front of Suntrust Bank.

Q: Hey Brian, can I buy you a shot of Jaiger?
A: Only if you can let me out when I trap myself in the Suntrust ATM and the Commish is passed out in the bushes and cannot help me get out.

Q: Where the heck is Evan Stancil..is he injured?
A: That depends...if its 6pm he is spilling beer on his shirt. If its 7pm he is dancing seductively. If its 8pm he is hitting on your girlfriend. If its 9pm he is outside vomiting on Hu's Shoes. If its 10pm the Swingers are getting him into a cab... And if its 6am on Monday morning, he's still drunk and driving to work by himself in the HOV lane.

Q: I really like that guy/girl on the Pour Howzers, are they coming?
A: Unfortunately, they are contractually obligated to drink at the Pour House Pub every Sunday from April 1st to December 1st. Although if they win the Championship Game they'll have to show to get their trophy so keep your fingers crossed.

Q: Is the bartender single?
A: No, please stop asking.

Q: Are there more Nachos coming?
A: Yes, there are. Yes, there are.

SEE YOU ALL SUNDAY!

ITV: Not Altogether There Edition; aka You so Cray-zay Edition

2008-06-20T18:39:00.012-04:00

Loyal Reader(s):

My deepest apologies for the lack of posts this week. Since I've only managed to make 14 cents off of this site, because you schmucks won't click on the little Google advertisements at the bottom, I've been forced to go out and get a real job -- and it's consumed my soul (not in a good horror movie kind of way). I'm working through my first of several 13 hour days, splitting time between two jobs, and I haven't had much time to post.

No matter, because I really don't have all that much to say. We are preparing for an excellent weekend of softball, so there will be much more to discuss after Sunday. I will, however, be posting something, I don't know what yet, on Saturday, as I have the day off. My apologies for my lack of coherence; I'm not altogether there today.

For those of you with jobs. Quit them. Jobs are lame. For those of you without jobs, I envy you -- the way the breeze blows freely through your hair as you sit on the couch, watching Step-By-Step reruns and consuming massive amounts of powdered-cheese-products. The way you get by stealing stray coins and unchewed BubbleYum© from you're girlfriend's fanny-pack. The way you lie about there being a roach in your Pizzeria Unos Meatza Pizza Pizza-Skins© in order to get a free Deep-Dish Sundae© dessert treat.... Keep living the dream, my friends. Keep on livin it.

Anyway...

So here's a note to those of you who have lost and whose seasons are now complete:
First of all, thank you. If you're reading this, I'm assuming it's not the first time, so thanks for reading my ridiculous thoughts. I hope you enjoyed them and that I brought a little ray of absurd sunshine into your barely tolerable lives. Maybe I even helped a few of you prolong your inevitable leap(s) off of the K Street Bridge. I'm not saying I'm a hero or anything, but let's call a spade a spade....

Secondly, thank you for a great season. Most of you, and I really mean almost every single team, was week-in and week-out an absolute pleasure to work with. I had a great time this season and I really enjoyed meeting you all.
And to those of you who were not awesome...we'll you're probably not reading this, and I probably won't ever see you again...so screw it.

Okay, so you've lost and you're done for the year. What now? Well of course there's always the end of the season party, which with my Survival Guide (soon to be posted) will be more fun than a forest fire! But that's like weeks away....
Until then, I strongly encourage you, please, come out and watch some playoff games. Not only will the weather be beautiful, and you'll get to hang out with yours truly, but there really will be some awesome games coming up -- they only get better the further into the playoffs we get! Plus, you'll get to know some of your league-mates. Become friends with a rival team. Chat about your experiences with a fellow new team. Or just come to watch how great co-ed softball can look with a season or two under your belts! It's really fun, and we have a lot of teams that are worth getting to know. Come out, bring some red-cupped beverages, and enjoy the sunshine and the glorious ting of double-walled bat on Trump compressed ball.

To those still playing : You shouldn't be reading this. It's two days till game time...you should be watching film, running wind sprints, and shadow-batting.

I must say, however, I was disappointed with the reports I heard regarding the Swingers and Perfect Strangers performances. Did my votes of confidence in the Prediction Showcase mean NOTHING to you all?!?!? Coming out flat in the playoffs is inexcusable. What are you, the Cowboys???

If you want to win this league, you have to come focused, every week. Sure, you need to have a good time, but how do you have a good time popping-up and throwing the ball around?
If one's effort and focus can be questioned so early in the playoffs, what chance does one stand against the league's best? None. Anyway, I'm done wagging my finger, but I hope to see a few teams out there this week early and practicing.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have 3 hours left to work, so I'm taking a nap in the basement. Good luck to all teams this weekend.

- Play ball!

ps, thanks to, who I'm assuming was Maria voting 4 times, saying that my absence was the worst part of last week's games.

IntheVicinity: Poor Showing Edition

2008-06-17T08:48:00.002-04:00

Scrape together you're 7 closest friends before gametime, folks, it's IntheVicinity!

So Round 1 is over...let it go, it's a ghost -- a hollow, flickering spectre burnt inside your dreams. There's nothing you can do to change the past, so let's move on to the future...

BUT, let's take just a moment to reflect on my 14-for-16 prediction record, and the fact that the two that I missed, were my two if-iest selections, admittedly. I'm kinda disappointed that Gang Green couldn't come out on top, but I won't get into any kind of game analysis until my scouts send me some more detailed reports of the games played this past weekend. I am happy, however, that Team Lucky is still with us in the playoffs! Frankly, they're an awesome team and I'm glad they're still around.

The point -- since this is not about analysis, until I get my scouting reports-- of this post, however, is to talk about something I didn't even MENTION in my 4 prediction posts, because I thought that there was NO way it would even be worth mentioning : FORFEITS. WHAT?!?! Maybe one team only has 7 for the 10 am game....maybe. BUT TWO Playoff games flat out forfeited, and one team playing with 8 in the first round of the playoffs? Come on guys. It seems too early for vacations, it's not a Congress/Recess thing, the weather was nice enough, so what could it be? I certainly hope it wasn't a "we'll probably lose anyway let's not show up" kind of thing, cause that sucks.

I don't expect any more forfeits in the rounds to follow, but I guess we'll see.

Check back later today/early tomorrow for a little more about the week that was. Some teams didn't play up to snuff, and others, noteably the Pourhowzers, far exceeded expectations. They, as I said despite the fact that I did not pick them, certainly have the ability to take it all.

Now I'm going to get some coffee.
-Play ball!

IntheVicinity has got a Semi! (final and Final match-up breakdown to do)

2008-06-13T18:55:00.004-04:00

So it's come to this...4 teams, approximately 45 players, 2 fields, and an assload of pocket-fulls of dreams.

You know when you're shirking your cubicle duties in March, not faxing Donald from HR, or making that Excel Spreadsheet for Supervisor Rebbecca because you're filling out those wonderful March Madness Brackets -- those glorious branches on the tree of Post-Football Life?? Then you step back to admire your work, and you realize that somehow...someway...Stanford and Duke are in your Final Four?!?!
Well then we're on the same page. No, this is NOT to say that ANY one of the four teams remaining in my Playoff Prediction Showcase is undeserving, or would be incapable of winning this Spring League Championship...it's just that, if you had instead asked me to pick four teams who I thought would make it, it might not EXACTLY look like this same four. But, I had to chose based on the match-ups, and we're left with four really solid teams: The Masterbatters, Swingers, and Bayside, who have all won championships before, and the Bloop Singles who, if my predictions are correct, will have fielded and swatted their way through the tough, but not breathtaking American League.

I know what you're saying..."Where are the Pourhowzers?? Where are the Perfect Strangers??.."
I don't know, alright...get off my back. Yes, both of those teams are definite possibilities to win it all...as are the Blue Team, PRD, AAR, The Ligers, maybe even another team I'm forgetting...but this is just how the match-ups have shaken out. Maybe Pourhowzers topple the Swingers, sure...maybe Bayside or Masterbatters stumble...maybe Bloop can't string together 4 great games...who knows. Regardless, these are the four teams left, and we'll see who comes out on top.

AL Champs-
Swingers v. Bloop: Maybe this is where, I'm ashamed to say, I've painted myself into a corner. I don't know if Bloop is quite ready to be in the championship game, or if they can beat the Swingers.
Conversely, if you'd asked me if the Swingers would make the finals, I probably would have said no. They have offensive consistency problems and increasingly frequent defensive and base-running lapses. If the Swingers put it all together, they can beat just about anyone, but this year, the games in which they've put it ALL together at once have been fewer than expected. They came out flat against the Ligers and Masterbatters, resulting in a tie and loss, respectively, and couldn't hold on in the Pourhowzers game.
Bloop Singles, on the other hand, have been one of the league's most consistent teams and have looked very very good, but rarely unbeatable.
Can either team beat Bayside/Masterbatters? I don't think so.
Perhaps, the Swingers are my Duke...always good, but just not complete enough to make the finals. Bloop, then, would be my Davidson -- all the tools to win against big teams, and the luck/ability to have it all come together at the right time. Bloop wears the ~~glass~~ recycled plastic slipper in this one, 18-13. Don't fire me, Dave.

NL Champs-
Masterbatters v. Bayside: Even though I'm pretty sure that they've met since, the greatest DcCityBall game that I've ever seen and/or been a part of was the Summer Championship of two summers ago, between these two squadrons. An epic 14 inning battle (if I remember correctly) in which both teams played legit, near professional defense, robbing their opponents of base hits, turning double plays, and getting out of tough jams. I was working the field, first and second base, for this incredible match-up, eventually won by the Masterbatters(who turned the first summer/fall repeat that year), and was astonished by the level of play in a recreational co-ed softball league. If there is a softball ~~Mickey Mantle~~ Pete Incaviglia out there somewhere, that guy, whatever his name is( probably Pete Incaviglia), would have stood up and clapped. "That," he would have said, "is how softball should be played!" Then he would have scratched himself and hit on your mother.

But it's not 2005, or whatever the hell year that was, anymore and I'm not sure this game will live up to what I've built up in my mind as one of the 3 single greatest days of my life (the other two being the time Robert Goulet threw his velvet ascot to me backstage at the Borgata in Atlantic City, ala Joe Green, and the night I beat Barbara Walters in a drinking/arm wrestling/spinning-around-on-a-baseball-bat-then-running-an-obstacle-course contest, thus forcing her to make out with Tom Arnold at the Playboy Mansion. Well...it wasn't exactly for Playboy..it was Swank. And it was less a mansion and more of a...two-car garage, but I'm almost positive it was Barbara Walters. Either way, it was a friggin blast.).
That being said, it's unreasonable to expect the same kind of toe-to-toe ass-kickery as the first time 'round. I do, still, expect a great game out of both teams, and it should be close. Let's go point by point and see who should win.
Infield fielding : Slight edge to Bayside. Great SS (the whole left side really), good fielding pitcher, good catching first basemen, who will come off the bag. Masterbatters are no slouches though, with some dynamic SS play of their own.
Outfield: Big plus to Bayside. Center fielder with tremendous range and solid arm, left fielder with plus arm. This, it should be noted, is despite the legendary Masterbatter's left field arm (Andy).
Pitching: Masterbatters, slight edge.
Base-running: Masterbatters. Bayside has 2 or three burners, but Masterbatters can turn a hump-back liner into a triple, and I've seen it.
Hitting: Bayside. They hit line drives wherever the fielders aren't.
Power hitting: Tough one. Masterbatters probably have more raw power, but Bayside shows it more consistently, with fewer pop outs.
Verdict: Bayside should, if they play to potential, win this game. There might be a lower score than you'd expect from these two offensive juggernauts, because both teams are so defensively competent : Bayside 14, Masterbatters 9.

So there it is. Somehow, in a span of four days, I've whittled 32 teams down to just two: the cream of the Cityball crop -- the Cinderella and the Mainstay.
I don't have a ton to say about the final game -- mostly because I've said all I can about both teams already, but MORE mostly because this match-up probably won't even happen, and I've wasted enough of my/your time. Realistically, anything past Round 1 is probably garbage.

Finals
Bloop v. Bayside:
I'll keep it simple. Few of you not in grey/gold and maroon (save their opponents) have seen Bayside play in the Finals. It's an entirely different animal (pardon the pun, I f---ing hate puns). It took the Masterbatters, at their peak, 14 innings of incredible softball to win by a run. I'm not sure any of the AL teams are as good as the Masterbatters were that year. Fact is, if some jealous Congressional League member held a poorly organized and lower-talent-level gun to my head (Take that competitors!) and made me choose a winner for our league, I'd take Bayside every time. Is it a guarantee that they'll win? No. But they're the safe bet. And they've earned that.

Bayside wins it all, 19-12.

So what the hell do we do now? What am I going to write about? Well, we'll do some updates and recaps the next few weekends regarding the ACTUAL games being played (no I won't do any updated picks, that would be a conflict of interest, remember, I'm not umpiring this weekend). I'll be back next Sunday with my insights, and we'll see how the playoffs really shake out.

Following the championship game, I will, instead of writing a boring Summer League preview, be providing you all with my final post of the Spring Season : The Beginners Guide to the End of the Season Party, with a foreword by Evan Stancil (just kidding, he's already drunk for the party, but I will be giving you a step-by-step guide on how to not only survive the party til the very end, but to optimize your fun to the MAX!)

Good Luck to all teams this weekend, I regret that I won't get to be a part of the first round, but I'm committed to a charity softball event (yes, always with the softball) for the American Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. If any of you should ever like to donate to this wonderful cause, you can do so at any time directly on their official website HERE .

Thanks for reading, folks. Keep your eyes on the prize, teams.

-Play Ball!

Playoffs PART 3!!!

2008-06-12T15:22:00.007-04:00

Yes folks, we've come so far...it's almost Friday the 13th and it's time for the playoff division showdowns (part 3)! It is in this round that the AL and NL East and West kings and queens will be crowned. Sure, teams have already finished in first place for the regular season, but let's be honest here -- just like the NBA, NHL, and PBA, the regular season is meaningless. This is a playoff league, so whoever wins these match-ups can truly claim division championship status!
I'll try to give my best, most in-depth analysis for these games...but they're going to all be close, hard-fought games, with better defense, hence lower scores.

I cannot guarantee that these picks will be accurate, so please, don't go running to your bookies throwin down 5 dimes on my word...keep bets under 2 grand please. Also, be aware, I'm consistently bad at picking anything, except football games, at which I'm mediocre.

Also, please keep in mind that these predictions/analyses are just for fun. If your team wins and I picked/am picking you to lose, then good for you. But seriously, refrain from playing the "in your face" card on me...Honestly, this isn't that serious, and I get paid no matter who wins...so I really don't care. Frankly, on a hot day, you'll just irritate me by talking about stupid stuff when I'm working. Tony Kornheiser isn't held accountable for his picks, nor shall I be...

AL East
Swingers v. Pourhowzers: This is a rematch of last weekend's showdown, in which the Howzers won due to some 7th inning heroics. Will this game have the same result? Here are a few reasons why I might answer "yes" : The Pourhowzers are undefeated, they will be the home team (last at bats in the playoffs can prove crucial), they've hit and fielded consistently, and they want it more. There are reasons however, to argue for the Swingers in this match-up: They have the playoff experience/they've won a championship before, they were missing their starting SS and leadoff hitter for the regular season game, they have the better fielding outfield in what should prove to be a fly-ball game, and the Pourhowzers played decidedly tight in their first match-up.
The umpire might actually play a role in this game as well. No, not in handing the game to one team or the other, but rather by imposing their strike zone on each team's batters -- ie a high strike zone might benefit the Pourhowzers because with the exception of Dave Sack, the Swingers are not a particularly good high-strike hitting team. Similarly, if an umpire with a tight strike zone were to officiate this game, it would aide the more accurate Ryan Hemingway's pitches, and the Swingers' low-ball batters.
In a game like this, with two teams so equally matched, it really can go either way. For that reason alone, I find it difficult, but not impossible, to imagine either team beating their opponent two games in a row. I might be going out on a limb, but perhaps the Howzers want it too much; if they can't play loose, they can't win this game. My head is telling me Pourhowzers, but my gut won't let me do it. Swingers 17, Howzers 14.

AL West-

Bloop Singles v. Perfect Strangers: To be honest, I'm just guessing that Perfect Strangers are the home team. They have the same record, and I'm to damn lazy to look it up. I don't know who won the regular season game, so this is a pretty worthless analysis. You can probably stop reading right there. That being said, I haven't done many of the Strangers games this season, but I've seen their box scores and watched their celebrations. They win a lot and by a lot, but few team have the fluidity in the field and on the base paths that the Bloop Singles have shown this season. They're playing good softball right now, behind great pitching, solid fielding and well-timed power hitting. The Strangers need to field well, and consistently well, because that's what they'll be seeing from Bloop. Line drives over the infield, or hard ground balls to the left side are the Strangers' friends in this one.
Anyway, I like Bloop in this one no matter who is the home team, especially if this game is played on field #5, where there are wide open spaces to make fly ball catches, regardless of how far they're hit. The knuckle ball will play a role in this win, so Bloop better hope for a breezy, but not gusty day. Bloop 16, Perfect Strangers 12

NL East-
Blue Team v. Masterbatters: This will be a well pitched, well fielded game. The Blue Team might have the better pitcher, but going around the horn from 3rd to first, the Masterbatters are better at each position -- better gloves, and superior arms. Throw in their power at the plate and Andy's arm from left field and it should be a Masterbatter victory.
The Blue Team needs to be selective at the plate, and keep the Masterbatters from hitting line drives to stay in this one. High or inside pitches to the power-hitters can keep the ball catchable for the Blue Team.
The Masterbatters need to take this game seriously, show up with a full roster, and get production out of the bottom of their line-up. They have to get the ball in quickly from the outfield, and take level swings at the high arcing pitches. Overthrows can also be an issue.
Masterbatters win if they take care of the ball and don't pop-out too much.MB 20, Blue Team 13.

NL West-
PRD v. Bayside Tigers: The defending Summer League champs were tripped up by the Perfect Strangers during Rivalry Week, but it just may have been the wake-up call they needed. They'll play hard from start to finish in this game, or they'll lose. PRD has a ton of power and can play the field as well as most teams. They were my early season pick to make the finals, but their recent inability to field a team on a consistent basis has me regretting my choice. PRD can give Bayside a game, but they need to play hard and mistake-free to win. PRD Captain Kevin needs to drive the ball, and come up with runners on base. They also need to hustle down the line with runners on, because the Tigers can turn a double play with ease.
Bayside has the superior outfielders, more power bats, and arguably the best SS in DcCityball. PRD can probably keep up offensively, but Bayside does all the little things right ( getting the ball in quickly, backing-up throws, taking the extra base) and they have a center fielder that will catch anything in his general direction. If, by chance, this game is played on field #6, with the "short" porch in left, this game might get out of hand, in favor of Bayside. As long as Bayside comes to play, and play sober(ish), no one can beat them in the playoffs. Bayside takes it 23-17.

That, if my calculations are correct, leaves us with a Swingers v. Bloop Singles ALCS, and a Masterbatters v. Bayside rematch in the NLCS. Sounds good to me..actually if I've picked 1 out of those 4 teams correctly, I'll be pleasantly surprised, as 2.5 of these games can really go either way...anyway, come back tomorrow for the AL/NL CS picks, as well as my pick this year for League Champs. Good luck to all teams!
-Play ball!

DING! DING! Round 2 Playoff Predictions/Heavy is the head that wears the commissioner's cap

2008-06-11T19:08:00.012-04:00

Note: To read Round 1 predictions/analysis, please go HERE .

Time for Round 2 predictions folks, but before we get started, there are two business items to which I must first attend -- 1) For the love of GOD, go get FREE BEER when there is FREE BEER to be gotten! The past few weeks there has been FREE BEER at the Mad Hatter and NO ONE is going, save myself, the commish, and the Bayside Tigers (cause that's what champions do!)....and # 2) Since we have a readership of less than 10 people total (counting myself twice) I feel comfortable telling you all this story in confidence.

*Two nights ago, at approximately 4:30 a.m. EST, I received a call from our league's commissioner, asking me to come to his apartment to deal with a league matter. Confused and half-asleep, I agreed, catching the first taxi to come down my street. At nearly 5:00 a.m. I arrived at his building. I dialed his room number and, without saying a word, he buzzed me up.

In the lobby, a sinister-looking janitor swung his straw broom ominously, back and forth, like a pendulum, shaking his head at me and twirling his salt-and-pepper mustache. "These are dark times," he rasped. "Dark times."
I brushed past him to the commissioner's room, 237, and rapped at the door. No answer. I knocked again, but still there was no answer.
Hesitantly, I turned the knob. It clicked and creaked like an old man's hips, and a thumbnail of light beamed from between the door and its jamb. Gathering all my bravery, I swung the door open with a quick thrush.
I'll never forget what I saw there that night -- the commissioner was sitting in the center of his 200 square foot apartment on an old wicker rocking chair, lit only by a single dangling 45-watt bulb (soft white if I remember correctly), wearing only his underwear and the official-issue powder blue DCCityBall STAFF golf shirt -- he was eating Captain Crunch (it was OOPS! All Berries, a limited edition cereal created under the premise that the Captain's factory machines had jammed, preventing crunch cereal from reaching the boxes and resulting in boxes and boxes of all-crunchberry mayhem. The cereal was last issued in 2003, so I knew things were bad) right out of the box with a broken shard of a Frisbee.

The rest of the apartment was empty, save for a mess of papers -- charts, graphs, diagrams -- and the solitary glint of a Colt six-shooter. 45 caliber.
"Don't look at me!" he shouted, but I could not look away. "I can't do it...I'm a beaten man.." he told me. He continued to explain that he'd been up for days trying to create the seedings for the softball playoffs; all were done except for the NL West. You see, both the Mad Cows and ODB had identical 4-4 records having both gone 0-1 in rivalry week. "What about head to head?" I inquired. He snapped at me, "DOUBLE FORFEIT YOU DOLT! Don't you think I thought of that?!" I apologized, picking up some papers from the ground. They were beautiful -- reams upon reams of pie charts, parabolas, equations, and a few hand-turkeys, all leading to the same conclusion : the two teams were in a perfect tie.

"There's only one solution," he continued. "That's why I called you here." He picked up the Colt pistol and I could feel the color drain from my face. I watched him place .45 caliber bullets in 3 of the six chambers, alternating spaces so that every other chamber was filled.
I asked him what he was doing, but he stopped me and said that this was the only way.
"If I die, it means the Mad Cows get the #3 seed. If not, it's ODB. There's a 50-50 chance now," he told me as he spun and cocked the gun in a single motion. "If its the Cows, I need you to run the league. I've taught you all I can, you have it within you. Lead them. You must lead them all."
I tried to argue with him but with each passing syllable the gun crept closer to his bearded chin. He placed his finger on the trigger and, opening his squinted left eye he looked at me, "Brian..."

"Yes?" I replied.

"One last thing....If I don't make it....tell....the Pourhowzers....tell them....that they suck.."

With that he clenched his jaw and pulled the trigger. There was no boom, only an empty CLICK and the clatter of cereal on the parquet floor.

Instantly his demeanor changed. "Alright, looks like ODB takes on Stiff Competition after all. Glad to get that over with! That should be a good game......
... Hey, you want some Crunchberries?"

So before you go complaining about anything, just know how devoted our commissioner is to this league and its teams. Now, on to ROUND 2!
*Based on a true story.

AL East
Gang Green v. Pourhowzers : I'm not sure there are many teams who can hang with the Howzers on the field. So unless this is a drinking contest, I think Gang Green falls, and falls hard. Howzers 22-9.

Swingers v. Ligers: The first time these two teams met, it ended in a tie. That says a lot about the way the Ligers have played lately, but if the Swingers bring their A game, and A roster, they can put the Ligers away early. Swingers 17, Ligers 10.

AL West
Diamond Cutters v. Perfect Strangers: The Strangers have some added firepower, and the Cutters tend to throw a flat-ball...that could lead to a few round trippers early. Strangers win 19-8.

Sharks v. Bloop Singles: Bloop just looks too good lately. They've been scoring a ton of runs and always play great D. Not sure the Sharks can keep up with them for much more than an inning or two. Bloop takes it 18-9.

NL East
Scared Hitless v. Masterbatters: It's going to take a lot for any team to silence the powerful Masterbatters bats, and I don't think Scared Hitless has quite what it takes. The Masterbatters have 3 or 4 legit home run threats each time through the lineup, not to mention 2 of the best arms in the league. That's too much for most teams. MB 20-6.

AAR v. Blue Team: This is easily the best match up of the weekend. Both teams have great pitchers and can put a lot of runs on the board. Frankly, this game might just be a toss up. The Blue Team has more experience going deeper into the playoffs, but neither team has been entirely consistent lately. Flip a coin.
Blue Team 19, AAR 17 Home team wins.

NL West
Springfield Isotopes v. Bayside Tigers: Two classic team names from two classic shows. People all my life have been telling me I'm half Homer Simpson and half Mr. Belding...personally I was always a Mr. Tuttle fan (bonus points if you know who that is, and that he taught driver's ed, without looking it up). Anyway, no contest here, Bayside beats Valley, 26-7.

ODB v. PRD: Ah, the battle of acronyms! Should also be a close game. If PRD brings a full roster, and comes to play, it's their game to lose. If not, ODB can roll. My guess: PRD wins 19-11.

Well, that's all for round 2. Keep an eye out for the division, league and world championship predictions in the days to come!

1000 HITS!

2008-06-11T11:34:00.001-04:00

Another milestone approaches for IntheVicinity-- we're nearing, and will soon pass 1000 hits! Look out Charlie Hustle, we're coming for you!

PLAYOFFS?! ITV Playoff Preview - Round 1

2008-06-10T11:08:00.014-04:00

Slap on some Coppertone and chug that Cream Soda, its the 110 degree edition of IntheVicinity!

As nothing particularly notable happened during our final week of the regular season, lets get right to the playoffs. As promised, this will be the one and only, exclusive in-depth round-by-round, team-by-team, uncomfortable-homoerotic-celebration by uncomfortable-homoerotic-celebration PLAYOFF BREAKDOWN!

Now I know you're all saying to yourselves, "But you're an official. It would be a blatant conflict of interest for you to pick which teams will win. How is that any better than Tim Donaghy/Pete Rose/R. Kelly??"

My response: First of all, I think you've been grossly misinformed about the R. Kelly trial, it has little, if anything, to do with softball. Second, I will NOT be officiating ANY first round games this weekend, as I will not be in attendance due to a prior softball commitment (seriously, not a joke). Therefor I can say whatever the hell I want about the first round match ups. As for the rounds to follow, well, all my predictions/analysis will be based on the first round match ups, which may or may not come true, thus it's purely speculation on a potentially fictional scenario. Take that.
Thirdly, and lastly, some of you are probably thinking, "Hey this is a total Bill Simmons rip-off."
My response to that: Shut up. He didn't invent the Internet. Al Gore did. And he didn't invent choosing things. Monty Hall did. Eat it.

Now, on to the DcCityball Playoffs. To all teams: now is not the time to get sensitive. I've watched/officiated 90% of all DcCityball Softball games the past 3.5 years -- if I pick you to lose, well, you probably should lose, but it's nothing personal. Also, first round match ups are rarely competitive, so bring a book.

First Round:
AL East-
Cowbell v. Pourhowzers : Not much of a battle here. Cowbell has been ringing as of late, but the Pourhowzers, on the shoulders of an 8-0 season and timely, consistent hitting, should silence the noise. My pick: 23-5.MERCY RULE CANDIDATE

KBR v. Ligers: Two new teams, both out to prove that they can hang with the DC Elite. However, KBR has struggled against top teams, while the Ligers have improved each week since the season began. Featuring one of the leagues top pitchers, strong fundamental defense, and skills in magic, the Ligers remind this ump of a young Bloop Singles team. Ligers 17, KBR 6.

Gang Green v. Wide Stances : Interesting match up here, because it may prove to be the first round's lone upset. Gang Green really gelled last week, winning both installments of a day/later-that-day double-header, while Wide Stances looked lost this weekend against More Cowbell. IF, and this is a big if, as the playoffs have a tendency to bring out a lot of unfamiliar, highly talented players (we call them ringers), the Gang Green of last week plays the Wide Stances of last week, Gang Green wins 14-9.

Ace of Basehits v. Swingers : Ace of Basehits hasn't played up to expectations (or the awesomeness of their name/uniforms) as of late, and the Swingers always come to play when its really on the line. If regular SS Carey Ingram returns, allowing Sam to move back to the outfield, and if pitcher Ryan Hemingway continues to rake at the plate, the Swingers should easily defeat Sweden's best. Final Score: 20-9.

AL West-
Liquid Courage v. Bloop Singles : On paper, there's not much of a battle here. Unfortunately for Liquid Courage, there's not much of a battle here in any medium -- clay, sand, and especially not softball field. Bloop's starting pitcher Ari (sp?) has been successful all year with his knuckle-ball, getting over-anxious hitters to pop out time after time. Bloop's offense has been impressive and should carry them further into the playoffs than previous years. Bloop 21, LC 4. MERCY RULE CANDIDATE

Summer of George v. Perfect Strangers : Frankly I don't recognize many of the Strangers' (no pun intended...) players despite the fact that they've been in the league for as long as I have. But, this is a good thing, as the Strangers of years past have been vulnerable to forfeits, even in the playoffs. These new players seem to be showing up and playing quite well, as they've earned a 7-1 record. No contest here, as unfortunately, The Summer of George's fate is now inextricably linked to that of their namesake -- at home on the couch after round 1, eating bulk-cheese in their respective sweatpants, screaming at the TV. Strangers 19, SOG 2. MERCY RULE CANDIDATE

Team Lucky v. Diamond Cutters : This game will depend on the umpires interpretation of ASA pitching rules. The Diamond Cutters have had troubles adhering to the legal pitch requirements and could be in for a drawn out walk-fest. Still, Lucky has had issues with offensive consistency. Should be a close one -- 13-10, Diamond Cutters win.

Giant Pandas v. Sharks : This is perhaps the most intriguing match up if it occurred for real in nature. I think both battles have the same result -- Sharks strike early, and the Pandas fall victim. Hopefully, the use of softballs and bats, rather than teeth and claws, results in a great deal less blood, bamboo, and crying children. Sharks 14-10.

NL East-
Square Pegs v. Masterbatters : Square Pegs haven't pulled off a win yet this season, and I don't expect they'll get it against the former Summer and Fall League Champs. MB 25, SPegs 3. MERCY RULE CANDIDATE

McKlovins v. Blue Team : While the Blue Team suffered an unexpected loss this past week, I don't expect history to repeat itself. Blue Team should win this game with a superior fundamental skill set. Better pitching, better hitting, and consistent fielding. (Note: not ONE super-bad joke ALL SEASON LONG. HI-FIVE) Blue Team rolls 22-7, but this one might go 7.

Scared Hitless v. Myoclonic Jerks : I haven't seen much of Scared Hitless this spring, but from what I remember from the fall, they should give the Jerks a run for their money. The Jerks will need Brian to be selective at the plate, and keep the ball between outfielders, and for first baseman Bill to come to the plate with runners on base. Scared Hitless needs to avoid getting into a word-war with the Jerks' outspoken pitcher. My prediction: a minor upset as Scared Hitless takes down the Jerks 15-12.

Crusher Destroyer v. AAR : AAR has been, at times, as inconsistent at the plate inning-to-inning as they've been with team names, year-to-year. They have the potential to score 10 in the 1st inning, but also the potential to go silent for the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th. Still, they're bound to have at least one inning of offensive pyrotechnics, and the upstart C-D team just doesn't have the firepower to keep pace. AAR wins 23-10.

NL West-
Free Agents v. Bayside Tigers : Not even the Free Agents' being disqualified due to forfeiting can stop the Tigers from scoring some runs on this phantom-team. (Seriously, I never even saw their uniforms...are we sure Dave didn't just imagine this guys?) Regardless, Bayside cruises 385-0. BOOK IT.

Springfield Isotopes v. Madcows : This is a tough one to call, as a couple of the Isotopes' losses are from forfeits. Assuming both teams come to play, with their rostered players, it should be a close one. The Cows can score some runs, but can they consistently make plays in the field? My best guess: Isotopes tip the Cows 12-9.

CSU Rams v. Potomac River Ducks : Will the Ducks show up? I haven't seen them play in like 3 weeks. If they do, they should cruise. I really thought that PRD would make a strong run at the title this season, but roster issues have lead to an unimpressive 5-3 record. Still, they have the firepower to mercy rule the Rams. Ducks 24, CSU 5. MERCY RULE CANDIDATE

Stiff Competition v. ODB : ODB should roll pretty easily in this first round. It will be interesting to see though, how the team responds to stiffER competition in round 2. ODB 17-5.

That's all for round one. Round two match-ups and predictions will be posted soon. Regardless of who wins/loses, we always hope to see some teams stick around and watch your friends/league-mates play on. All teams are invited to the championship game extravaganza, and the following party, so we hope to see you all there.

Till next time, hide your red cups, and show no mercy...before the 5th inning.

Good luck, and play ball!

Rivalrous Reflections

2008-06-06T12:50:00.002-04:00

Let's double-dip it folks, here's a brief recap of Rivalry Week:

It seems only fitting, with the Lakers and the Celts squaring off in the NBA Finals once again, that DcCityball too, renews some old rivalries in its first (hopefully annual) Rivalry Week.
We saw some old-time match ups that brought back memories of Dave Roberts, pink t-shirts, Dudley Thunderheats and Gold-dots, 12 teams, and a single, solitary Field # 5 -- the place where it all began.

Back in the Spring/Summer season of 2005, I was coming off my sophomore year of undergrad and was in need of some supplemental summer employment, seeing as I was making a cool 8 dollars an hour as a research assistant for the university. From there, you know the story(ies).

The league has come a long way since then, in several ways -- the league has exploded to 32 teams, we've since switched to the Trump high compression ball, Adams Mill is finally gone, and the Myoclonic Jerks, 0-12 in their first season, are now playoff staples. The point being: this league has history.

This Rivalry Week, obviously, meant more to the league fixtures than the new squads, but we hope, a few seasons from now, each team will have a meaningful match-up to look forward to (yes, i ended with a preposition...eat me). So, from the colorful Gang Green v. Blue team, to the cinematic Ligers v. McKlovin, this weekend featured some of DcCityball's best battles of the year.

As per your vote, the Rivalry Week Game of the Week, by a wide margin, was the Return of Ron match up ODB v. Pourhowzers. While ODB had an early offensive outburst, they were unable to keep pace with the white-hot 'Howzers, who eventually cruised to a comfortable win. Scary moment of the game: 2nd basewoman Maggie Cross left in the top of the first with a head injury following a collision on a Ron Murdock double. Despite the ensuing emotional buzz which permeated the game, this umpire thought the play was clean on both sides, with an unfortunate result. Frankly the game was a little more heated and a little less fun than I had anticipated/hoped, but it was a well-played game and that's what counts.
Of course, IntheVicinity wishes a speedy recovery to Cross.

In other news, The Swingers, just one week before their match-up with the Pourhowzers, dropped their first game, falling to the Masterbatters. The game was there for either team to take, but the Masterbatters strung hits together when the Swingers could not. Still, next week's Swingers v. 'Howzers game should be a classic.

Possibly the scoop of the week: The Bayside Tigers suffered a very rare regular season loss to the new-look Perfect Strangers. Is their chance to repeat as summer champs in jeopardy??? We shall see.

Anyway, there would be much more to report, but half the games I was scheduled to do resulted in forfeits...so, the moral of the story: stop forfeiting...you're killing my blog, goddammit.

In off the field news, I do now, in fact, have my very own Topps baseball card, thanks to the Pourhowzers, and there will be autograph signings, upon request, behind the backstop of Field #5 folling the 4:15 game this Sunday.

Finally, both IntheVicinity and DcCityball would like to welcome its newest member into the softball family, our new summer league umpire, Gang Green's own John Macey (sp?). Welcome, John, and prepare for ~~tennisracquetmaplesyrupporcupinelighterfluid~~ hazing.

That's gonna do it for this post. Good luck to our teams next week, and get ready for the Playoffs Spectacular, complete with in-depth preview and your's truly's pick's's. Seacrest out.

-Play ball!

You otter not forfeit by Commissioner Dave Sack

2008-06-04T11:12:00.009-04:00

Before I get started on topics ranging from why my players hate free beer to why my players hate me...let me first add to the origin story. Not the origin of Brian the Ump, but of Brian the Man, ney, Brian the Baby. People ask me all the the time, "hey commish, where the heck did you find that Brian dude." While the story is so intense and unbelievable that I rarely speak it aloud for fear of frightening any listener, I think putting it in writing might be an acceptable form of conveying the story as well as a cathartic experience for the author. Before you point out any age discrepancies in the story please remember that my relationship with West Potomac Park and Softball is similar to that of Jack Torrence and The Overlook Hotel; best summed up by paraphrasing one Delbert Grady, "I've always been here." The year was 1985 and DC CityBall (then District of Columbia Leisure and Games Club) consisted of just 2 teams...Bases to the Future and The Truffle Shuffles. I was loading up my VW Vanagon and heading home to ~~relax~~ snort coke and watch supertv when I noticed a basket floating in the Potomac River. As I edged closer to the river I could hear a tiny cry and realized it was coming from the basket. I was able to pull the basket from the river and what I saw both shocked and awed me. Wrapped only in an ASA Approved Double-Knit Blanket was a tiny baby...a tiny, bearded, irritable, hairy baby. What I had first interpreted as cries were actually umpire calls. The tiny baby was umping a tiny, imaginary game in his head. Needless to say I took the baby and raised him as my own-mentoring him in the art of umping, commissioning and blogging.

Now, to the 2 teams who turned out for FREE BEER at the Hatter, hope you enjoyed it. And to the other 30 teams...seriously? Free beer, 25 cent wings, bar with no natural light or clocks. What gives? Finally, on a semi-serious note a quick word about the league. I have always prided myself on creating a league that offers something for everyone: competitive teams, recreational teams, beginner teams, beer league teams. But this league has rules and the rules need to be followed. Teams must wear shirts and athletic shoes, teams must show up on time with their own players and I expect all teams to respect their opponents, the umpires and the league at all times. The mound is not an open-mic comedy hour and the outfield is not a tanning salon. This is rec league softball people, act like you've been here before. The rules are in place to keep the games fun, competitive, organized and especially to keep the league from becoming a glorified pick-up league.

Glad we have so many returning teams for Summer Ball and look forward to a few new ones! And to those of you still wondering what the title of this post means, well, you just aren't in the inner circle of DC CityBall.

FAQs: Uniforms Required Edition

2008-06-03T11:13:00.014-04:00

Keep your shirt on TopGun, the Uniforms Required Edition of IntheVicinity here!

Before we recap the some of the most intense and uncomfortable rivalry moments since Demolition's Ax and Smash came out 1 and 2 in the '89 Royal Rumble, I've been getting flooded with ~~hundreds~~ fours or fives of questions and emails regarding what it's like to be a DcCityball umpire. Since I couldn't possibly remember all the specific details of all of your questions, I will provide you with a brief, yet frank FAQs section. As always, please keep in mind that the opinions expressed by IntheVicinity and its author do not necessarily represent those of DcCityball, its officials, sponsors, and shareholders. This is an unofficial website, and if you have questions, concerns, or comments, please direct them to fitz.dccityblog@gmail.com...and please remember, it's all in good fun. Okay, lets get on with the Q and A.

Q. What's the worst thing about being an umpire?
A. A permanent and unalterable farmer's tan.

Q. What's the best thing about being an umpire?
A. The glamour. Everywhere I go, people know me. Ladies follow me about town and I've got more ~~money~~ wings and Miller Lite than I know what to do with. I'm just livin the dream guys and gals. I'm just livin the dream.

Q. Hey, can't any moron with a collared shirt be an umpire for a co-ed recreational softball league?
A. No. If you haven't read my origin story , then let me inform you that umpiring kind of loosely follows George Romero Zombie rules -- either be born of one, or be bitten (of sorts) by one.

Q. Why are you such a dick?
A. Honestly, it isn't my fault that you failed in any actual athletic endeavors in your life and instead of making millions of dollars in the big leagues, you're stuck trying to show-up girls half your size, and 50 year-olds in knee braces, so don't get mad at me 'cause I rang you up for not swinging a large metal club at a giant ball moving roughly the basic speed of gravity just because you "wanted to see more pitches in your at bat" ...tool.
You're right, I should be nicer.

Q. I know you guys are constantly heckled and second-guessed for basically every call you make. Doesn't that bother you?
A. It's not the actual heckling, but more often the kind of heckling, or the source of it. See, if you don't know that a ball that hits the backstop can't be caught for an out...or that we play 7 innings, not 6 "rounds," then I certainly don't want to hear you complain that I didn't invoke the infield fly rule with 2 outs and nobody on base. It doesn't "bother" me when people have questions. I understand that not everyone knows every rule in the book, and I'm more than happy to clear things up for people who are new to the game. Those people are usually considerate and respectful. However, it gets a tad tedious explaining in week 7 to someone who argues every ball and strike, that no, you can't steal bases in this league.

There are things, however, that DO bother umpires. I will list some for you, not as an admonishment, just as a friendly reminder. Consider it in-season mental conditioning.

1. Poor sportsmanship -- I don't just mean not shaking hands after a tough loss, or stealing another team's water bottles or children, but little things like fake-tags at home. If someone tore an ACL trying to avoid your fake tag in a Sunday softball game, you'd feel pretty guilty about that. If you're a 230 pound male then you shouldn't feel proud about taking out a 95 pound female catcher just so you can say you hit for the cycle. And no, you're not being Joe Torre by intentionally walking a batter to get to a weaker one. Sure there's no rule against fake tags, intentional walks, etc, but if it's so important to you to be a winner in a no-prize-money-co-ed-rec league, then, well, you're kind of a loser. It violates the spirit and the vibe of the league. Its just bad karma, and the softball gods will get you back. Everyone should have a good time, not just you. Safety and sportsmanship first, always.

2. Inconsistancy of character, on and off the field -- Don't pat me on the back and offer me a beer after a game in which you told me you hope that I, and everyone in my immediate family, get lupus because I missed a tag call. And don't ask me why I didn't call that batter out for stepping on home plate when two innings prior you asked me to let you play 9 guys and 1 girl cause "hey it's just for fun, right?" We take things seriously, but the prime objective is fun, not fascism.

3. Cluelessness -- Try to refrain from telling us that "ugh..the fields look a little rough" or "the grass is still wet" for your 4:15 game after the umpires and commissioner have been there since at least 8 am working to turn the Everglades into a playable infield for the 10 am games. No joke here...it's just a really lame thing to do.

3a. Cluelessness of the sport -- Everyone argues...we've touched on this. But if you're going to argue about the finer points of the game, umpires hate it when you do things like call runs "points" and pitches "throws." Let me tell you a story, to illustrate how much we hate this.
The year was 1995 and a young un-mustachioed Henry was in a Blimpies® in Laurel, MD, enjoying his footlong Blimpies Best® sub (that's ham, salami, prosciuttini, cappacola, and provolone, with your choice of toppings)and watching the Orioles game on TV when he heard the Blimpie Bell® on the front door begin to jangle. The doors swung open, and through the radiant Maryland sun, strode a 7-foot Jewish adonis -- UCONN's own, Travis Knight. Henry, in awe of the ~~super- star~~... ~~star~~... basektball player, offered Knight a seat at his table and asked the center to autograph his Blimpies Best® sandwich. Knight obliged, jotting, "Stay in school, practice hard, observe the sabbath, your pal, T-Knight," on the underside of Henry's Blimpie Bun®. The two sat, enjoying their subs and watching the Orioles game. "Wow, that throw looked like a strike," Knight commented, observing a Mike Mussina four-pitch walk. Henry twitched in dismay. "This looks like a good baseball match," Knight continued. The table shook. "I can't see the score, how many points do the Orioles have?" With that, something inside young Henry snapped. In a single panther-like motion Henry lifted the UCONN Husky over his head and threw him, Iron Sheik style into the breakfast display. Blimpie Bluffins® (egg, ham or bacon, and cheese on a pillowy butter croissant) flew through the air like spooked pheasants. Henry began beating on the stunned Knight with what was left of his delicious Blimpies Best®, until Travis was unconscious, and all that remained of the sub was a scrap of bun --"...observe the sabbath" and a mustard stain.
Knight would later be drafted 29th by the Chicago Bulls in the 1996 draft, but haunted by the savage beating he'd received in Laurel, MD that day, had only limited success as a pro.

4. Forfeits -- This is a long post, but I could write an equally long entry, simply by listing the things I would rather be doing on my Sunday morning than waking up at 7 to get to West Potomac at 8 am to prepare muddy fields for a game that isn't going to happen, and then, explaining to the other team's captain, who I genuinely like as a person, why he or she also got out of bed and rallied his/her players to the field on time, only to have no other team to play. It sucks for everyone involved. I get paid for forfeits, but I'd rather get paid for umping a game. More so, I do in fact, genuinely like the teams in this league, so it really bothers me to have to break bad news to good, considerate, punctual captains and their players.

I know, sometimes female #2 or player #8 gets stuck in traffic/can't find parking/woke up on the LOST island/has scurvy...but there's rarely an excuse for having 5,4,3 or NO players show for a game. We co-ed rec softballers are a rare breed -- we've gotta stick together! Help your fellow captains out, and don't make them wake up all for naught.

Anyway, that's all the time we have for questions, so to the 6 of you readers out there, have fun, be safe, don't throw balls at each other, and for God's sake, this isn't an Axe commercial, play with your damn shirts on.
You know what they say, "If you can't stand the heat ...of having your shirt on for a 60 minute softball game, most of which is spent standing around drinking and lounging in the shade... then go to Blimpies® where they've got all the refreshments you'll need to keep your cool and not look like a damn redneck.

In all seriousness, the league has been fantastic so far this summer and I'm really enjoying it. It's been a lot of fun, so don't take anything I said TOO seriously.

Check back later in the week for a recap of some of Rivalry Week's chippiest games!
Play ball!

Greetings, Balla's

2008-05-30T15:05:00.003-04:00

DCCityBalla's,
Don't forget there's only ONE day left to vote in this month's poll! As of right now, the ODB/Pourhowzers matchup has a comfortable 2 vote lead!

Also, sidenote -- I was talking to someone about Bugles, not the boogie-woogie boy kind, or the taps variety, but rather the finger-topping highly salted corn snacks. I replied, "Bugles suck." He disagreed. Later, I arbitrarily searched the terms "bugles suck," on google. To my dismay, it appears only 5 times on the entire interweb -- and I'm not even sure those 5 people meant the snack food. There are 260 NEW porn sites created PER DAY, numbers are in the hundred-millions...but less than 5people in the english-speaking world think that Bugles suck? Seriously?

Rivalry week this week. Bring your A-games fools.

-Play Ball!

Honor Among Honours

2008-05-28T18:47:00.006-04:00

Yes folks, what you've read on the CNN news wire is true -- after months of speculation, I have in fact been awarded the inaugural DCcityBall Player of the Week honors! I have many people and shovels to thank. First off...I couldn't have done this without the help of Jesus, the rest of DCcityBall, and a pretty healthy stout addiction.

Umpiring is not my job or hobby, nay! it is my calling. I would like to regale you all with a brief anecdote, regarding my origins in the officiating vocation. Let me take you back to the year nineteen hundred and ninety-nine( or MCMXCIX for you Romans and film copyrighters out there): I was a troubled unemployed youth looking for answers, Y2K was wreaking havoc on the world, a young two-testicled phenom named Lance was dazzling cyclists for the first time in France, and Brian Littrell was steadily killing rock music with hypnotic dance-pop beats and killer white-boy dance moves.

On one of my frequent stallion rides out into the country ( I was trying to clear my mind, and get "Quit playin' games with my Heart" out of my head) I came across a lowly beggar-man, wrapped in burlap clothes. As I passed him on my galloping steed, he reached his hand out for alms, but I ignored his request and rode on. Miles down the path, my stallion, Mr. Black-Patches, got spooked by a water-moccasin and bucked me into the thorny brush. Hours later, I came to, badly injured and thirsty as the large vague outline of a man interrupted the sunlight's warmth on my face -- that day, my friends, I saw a vision . It was he, the beggar-man I had passed by on my horse, and as he pushed back his burlap hood, I saw that it was HIM. Eric Gregg, National League Umpire! Creator of the 24 inch plate! Eater of chicken wings!

He touched my hand and I was instantly healed, my thirst quenched. He said to me "Go now." But I hesitated. I told him that he saved my life after I had passed him by and refused him alms. He explained that this was the Umpire Code -- "Always help those in need, and THEN demand payment."
"What can I do to repay you, Mr. Gregg," I asked.
He said, "Take this," and handed me a trinket which looked to be made of the most glorious gold this side of the Aztecs(but upon further inspection was indeed plastic). This, he explained, was a very special artifact. It was his umpires clicker. This clicker, Gregg told me, would not only keep track of balls and strikes, but innings, and outs, for that matter. It glowed like the gilded pages of the Holy Bible, and its fluorescent green discs clacked like the tap shoes of Christ Himself.

"You are one of us now, young lad, until you repay your debt -- 10 years, or 100 dollars." It being 1999, and me being completely unemployed, I shook his hand and committed 10 years service to the sports officiating profession.
That day I became an umpire and a man -- I've been both ever since.

Flash forward 9 years into the future, and here I am, proud member of the DcCityball family, still holding that magical clicker, still keeping track of every inning, and still thinking of that wondrous day in which the cosmos reached out to me, and I high-fived the crap out of it.

I'll leave you with the words that Eric Gregg left me on that fateful afternoon --
"In life, you gotta either swing, or get rung up, Bitch. Swing or get rung up...."

Thanks folks,
Play ball!

Memorial Day

2008-05-25T08:57:00.003-04:00

IntheVicinity and DcCityball would like to wish you all a happy Memorial Day, especially those of you who have served or currently are serving our country. Enjoy your cookouts and BBQ's and remember, if we stop playing co-ed recreational softball, the terrorists have won.

Enjoy your holiday guys and gals -- come back next Sunday rested and prepared for another exciting week of DcCityball match ups! It's Rivalry Week folks!

May 18th Notes: Under Protest Edition

2008-05-21T20:46:00.007-04:00

That's right, put this post on the illegal list cause its double-walled baby!

Well folks, it seemed impossible, or at least improbable, but DcCityball fought through the 23-game mud-riddled schedule and came out on top! Thanks, of course to its tireless work crew, fearless commish, 5 bags of dirt and some double-walled shovels!

While there were too many games this past weekend to recap, there were some special highlights. Crusher Destroyer crusher-destroyed McKlovin behind bearded-captain Ross's killer shortstop play on field #5 while the Blue Team was all business, rolling on to victory on field #4.
Our late day game featured DcCityball's red cup-toting pals Gang Green against the gang IN green, the Pourhowzers. Gang Green gave the reigning NL champs a scare, but eventually the Howzers pulled away.

Our only postponed game of the day, the much anticipated AAR vs Masterbatters match-up, will be made up at a later date. The game was called entering the 4th inning due to massive puddles, torrential rains, and the increasing likelihood that yours truly would completely faceplant in the mud sometime in the then immediate future.

Evan Stancil Injury Update: the Swingers slugger re-injured his hamstring while doing his very best Mo Vaughn impersonation, lamely stretching for a ball on first base -- but that didn't stop him from belting a majestic double-walled round-tripper, while doing his second best Mo Vaughn impersonation, lumbering around the base paths at a vision-blurring pace of approximately two and a half minutes. The opposing sounting report is that Swingers (aside from the raw power of Stancil and Kate, as well as the slick pitching combo of Dave Sack and Ryan Hemmingway) owe their win to timely hitting, fundamentally sound fielding, and witchcraft.

In off the field news, DcCityball is currently taking requests for which version of the Star Spangled Banner will play prior to the Spring Championship game. Send requests to david@dccityball.com. Personally, I'm pulling for BoyzIIMen...but would settle for a Jodeci rendition, if such a thing existed. Anyway folks, don't forget to vote on this month's poll. Voting will end soon! The winner gets....well...bragging rights I suppose.
That's all for now, more to follow later in the week.

Till then, keep your eyes on the balls, and keep your bats legal,
Play ball!

Commissioner's Corner-DC CityBall 1, Weathermen 0.

2008-05-21T20:23:00.006-04:00

In what can only be described as the greatest commissioning this side of Bud Selig, a tough decision to keep games going proved to be the right decision as we were able to get 22 of 23 games completed last Sunday. I definitely want to thank all of the teams (especially those who played 3pm games) for toughing it out. And big thanks to the grounds crew for keeping the fields playable during the showers and the Garrett's bartenders for serving FREE Bud/Bud Light all day. With only 2 weeks left in the regular season the tension down at the fields is palpable. Well,its not, but I expect some competitive games as we head towards Rivalry Week on June 1st. We also have some more specials in the works for the next few weeks so stay tuned.

Commissioner's Corner by Commissioner David Sack

2008-05-17T20:30:00.003-04:00

After a solid 5 hours the fields are in great condition and ready to go for a DC CityBall record-breaking 23 games tomorrow (weather permitting). As the seasons go by the DC CityBall field crew is really getting good. The investment in a manual sub-pump definitely helped out and also encouraged one passing rollerblader to comment, "Man, that dude takes his softball seriously." Yes I do rollerblader, yes I do. But that wasn't the only interesting moment of the day, as I was also treated to a nice exchange with the National Park Service (who are responsible for maintaining the fields). After a few tense moments I was able to convince the officers that my rake and shovel were meant to help the fields, not harm them. Before returning to their maintenance truck one employee gave me the thumbs up and yelled, "Good Luck!". These words of encouragement instantly became the 2nd most helpful thing the Park Service has ever done for me-trailing only the moment last year when they decided to fill a sink hole in the outfield in the 5th inning of a semi-final game. Hopefully all of the hard work will pay off and we will play our full schedule tomorrow. And don't forget the FREE BEER ALL DAY at Garrett's in Georgetown.

May 11th Notes etc, Mother's Day edition

2008-05-12T18:39:00.007-04:00

Break out your pink bats and send mama some flowers, its the Mother's Day edition of IntheVicinity!

Well, another week of games is in the books (sort of), so here are the May 11th reflections and musings, etc, etc.

Midweek rain and some poorly draining soil threatened to wipe out week 5 alltogether, but with the hard work of commissioner David Sack, DcCityball jack-of-all-trades Ryan Hemingway, and yours truly, along with the help of a few iron rakes and a bag or two of dry dirt, DcCityball was able to get underway shortly after 10:05am on fields #5 and #6.

Field 6 saw the Mad Cows lose a tough one to an understaffed Bayside Tigers squad, 17-5, while the artists formerly known as Burt Hill, The Square Pegs, couldn't find their groove in the early game, getting hammered 27-3.

Now, be careful with those high-fives, as it's time for the Game of the Week honors!

*Down on field #5, The Swingers faced off against a tough Ace of Basehits crew. While the Ace of Basehits may be the early front runners for Uniform of the Year honors, they couldn't hang on to early momentum -- after setting the Swingers down 1-2-3 in the first inning, the Ace of Basehits couldn't manufacture quite as many hits as their Swedish techno-pop namesakes, eventually falling 10-3. Highlights include a home run, ninja high-five (hope you're alright Danielle) and game ending Willie Mays catch by right fielder Salim, as well as a valiant Lou Gehrig-like performance by the injured Evan Stancil.

In what would prove to be the last game of the day, Gang Green lost an absolute heart breaker in a rain shortened 5 inning game, getting clipped 11-10 by an 8-man Wide Stances team...and then the rains came.

A game-time decision for the 4:15 game was made a whole lot easier as the wind and rains picked up, peppered with the ominous clack of far away thunder.The softball gods had seen enough for the day, as the last 6 games of the day were washed out. Fortunately DcCityball was able to get the bulk of their games in, but a few will have to be made up on a later date. Sounds like an exciting double-header Sunday to me!

The rains are still fallin' so that's gonna do it for this weeks recap. Keep an eye out for new updates this week, and be sure to check out DcCityball's spankin new website , with a certain awesome umpire named as Player of the Week! Take that, weird guy from Masters of Eminent Domain!

Good luck next weekend to all teams involved and stretch out those hammies.
Till next time,
Play ball.

May 3rd Notes and New Website

2008-05-10T22:22:00.004-04:00

Greetings DcCityballers,
After a brief hiatus, IntheVicinity is back in action!
This past week saw some new teams rising making names for themselves, notably ODB, KBR, and the Diamond Cutters, among others, in addition to some Cityball staples -- The Swingers, Bayside Tigers and the Blue Team -- continuing to build upon their respective legends.

The 3-week forfeitless streak was sadly broken only moments after Commissioner David Sack was heard to have said, "I hope I didn't jinx it." Sadly David, you did.

The week went smoothly, with the Game of the Week honors going to a marathon 7-inning, 7-hour slug-athon between More Cowbell and the Killer Bunny Rabbits, with KBR coming out on top -- More Cowbell needed a few more runs, and a bit less cowbell. Get em next week MC!

In other DCCB news, the PourHowzers and Swingers both continue to cruise, seemingly on an irreversible collision course with one another, as only time, and the last week of the season, will tell.(Editor's note: Swingers outfielder Evan "knee wound" after suffered a strained hamstring and a bruised ego after an embarrasing split sliding back into 2nd base last Sunday. Team Doctor Salim (sp) pronounced him "done" for the day. Stancil is listed as a game-time decision.)

In other points of interest, down on field #4 the Masterbatters were unable to overcome an early inning offensive explosion by the Blue Team, while on field #5 IntheVicinity favorite Gang Green lost a tough one to the Ligers, who showed some wicked skills in magic and getting extra base hits.

IntheVicinity would also like to point out the league's new-look website DcCityball .

Keep an eye out in the coming weeks for posts by your favorite Commish Dave Sack in IntheVicinity's Commish's Corner, as well as interviews with featured team captains and umpires!

Till next week, keep your eyes on the prize and your beers in a cup

-Play ball!

Ps. Check out the most recent issue of On Tap magazine for a great little write up of DcCityball and a fabulous half-picture of your's truly.

Opening Day Thoughts

2008-04-14T12:18:00.004-04:00

Well, Opening Day came and went on Sunday. Highlights on the field included big wins from DcCityball mainstays the Swingers, Bayside Tigers, and the Masterbatters, as well as from newcomers McLovin and the Free Agents, among others.
A.A.R lost a close one to the Blue Team on field 4, while the Sharks nipped the Giant Pandas up on field 6.

The performance of the weekend came from the new-look Potomac River Ducks who defeated the Mad Cows, despite the Cows scattering a mere 26 runs on 35 hits. Get em next weekend, Cows.

Off the field, the NL Fall Pennant Holders the Pourhowzers were handing out and signing their custom 1987 Topps Series baseball cards -- according to my 2008 Topps Pricing Guide, a signed Justin Kolikof rookie hologram card is currently going for approximately 7 cents, on auction. The card series, which was conspicuously lacking a certain famed umpire, comes complete with stats, checklist, gum, and the feeling of taking things a bit too seriously.

DcCityball is looking forward to another successful Spring season, despite the reappearance of Gang Green, and their...captain

But seriously, good luck to all teams involved. DcCityball (myself included) is always glad to see its teams back year after year, and warmly welcomes all the new teams.
Stay safe and have fun.
-Play ball.

Spring Training

2008-03-18T12:14:00.002-04:00

While the big leagues are spending their March afternoons in sunny Florida and Arizona, DCcityball's finest will be doing a bit of their own spring training here in not so sunny Washington DC. I, myself am hoping to be in midseason form by the time opening day rolls around -- I've been doing windsprints and jumping jacks here in a private practice facility, my 800 sq. foot apartment.

I've broken out the old medicine ball and vibrating rubber belt machine thing so that I'm in tip-top shape to serve the DCcityball community. I passed my pre-season physical with flying colors, and got a new contact lens prescription, improving my already eagle-eye vision.

Players all around the league are working on their game in preparation of opening day -- will we see the Bloop Singles unveil a new backhand-knuckle-floater? will the Bayside Tigers repeat as summer champs? in what week will the Swingers Evan Stancil open up that gash on his knee? These are the questions looming over spring training. Stay tuned for the answers, DCcityball is just around the corner!

Play ball!

New Contact Info

2008-03-18T12:06:00.003-04:00

If anyone should need to contact me regarding the site, from now on I can be reached at Fitz.DCcityblog@gmail.com.

Also, I'm starting a listserv to keep readers up to date on future posts and news. To enroll, simply email me HERE with "LISTSERVE" in the subject line. Thanks!

Welcome to In the Vicinity

2008-03-07T12:06:00.005-05:00

Hello DCcityBall players, coaches, and fans! This is In the Vicinity : a DCcityBall Blog. Over the next few months I will be blogging about all things DCcityBall. Check here for weekly updates on the league, its teams, and you, the players. Each week I will be chronicling the greatest rivalries, games, performances and plays in your favorite DC intramural sports league. Also, check back for game recaps, photos, interviews and maybe even a surprise guest or two.
For any official DCcityBall information, please check the league's official website here or contact David Sack , the league's commissioner.
If you have any questions, comments, or ideas concerning the website, please feel free to post a comment, or send me an email here, with RE: ITVblog in the subject heading.

To get all the latest updates, add our subscription at Google Reader by simply typing www.dccityball.blogspot.com into the "add subscription" box. Its free and will let you know of all future posts!

If you haven't registered for DCcityBall, do so now, the season is just around the corner. Play Ball!